折磨

又是一个睡不着的一夜,我还是很想他. 不知道他现在过的好不好, 睡了吗, 在做什么, 他和她还在一起吗.... 我真的很难受, 再这样下去我会疯的! 这样的日子太折磨了! 或许这是个报以吧, 老天给我的惩罚. 难道我真的要孤独终生? 我很怕, 真的很怕.

Learn to let go

Realise that I sound too hateful in my last blog, maybe I just woke up or am feeling blue. Whatever... I was the one who said the word "lets break off", so in the end there is any regret its all my fault. All faults are mine, I can't blame anyone. At his life darkest moment, I wasn't there for him. It's too late to feel regret and to do any amendments now. It's all over. Let's just say I lost someone who really treats me like a princess, who pampers me, who loves me.
Suddently, I thought of this song by Tank, "给我你的爱"
等待　一点一滴　你对我感到安心感觉　朋友关系　有了新的默契便利商店里　谁也买不到我们最想要的东西　只握在　喜欢的人手上
给我你的爱　让我陪着你去未来给我你的爱　手拉着手　不放开就算宇宙爆炸　海水都蒸发只愿你的记忆里　有我的拥抱
我的　最大幸褔　是发现了我爱你灵魂　有了意义　用每一天珍惜
便利商店里　谁也买不到我们最想要的东西　只握在　喜欢的人手上
给我你的爱　让我陪着你去未来给我你的爱　手拉着手　不放开就算宇宙爆炸　海水都蒸发只愿你的记忆里　有我的拥抱
雨和天空也有　相爱的可能望着你的微笑　情不自禁
给我你的爱　让我陪着你去未来给我你的爱　手拉着手　不放开就算宇宙爆炸　海水都蒸发只愿你的记忆里　有我的拥
All the best to you and may you be happy always. I know that the new person in your life will loves you more than I do. I know she will pampers and be better than me. Actually, anyone is better than me.

Sleepless night

Can't seems to fall asleep for the past few nights, actually since filming ends. Lying on bed thinking of him, thinking of the times spend together. The more I think, the more upset I feel. He said he will loves me forever, he will waits for me forever, he will always be there for me... but barely broke off for less than 1 month, he got a new person in his life. All those things he said are all bullshits! Less than 1 month! I never had a change of heart. I never fall in love with another one. I am still single even after the broke off. He said he will wait for me! Look at all those empty promises! I hate him! I HATE HIM! HATE HIM! HE LIED!

3 For 1 Dollar

Just ended a meeting for Ellery's short film, it's the first time I am doing a short film. Rather refreshing and new, never do short film before. It's like can't afford to pay anyone, not even the crews, casts, production team members. Peiyun and Seng Kwang are nice people who are so willing to do alot of things for free. I am still learning and breaking my walls in doing things for free, like locations recee and finding sponsors. Am so used to being paid to do the jobs. Hoping that this short film will turn up fine for everyone, especially for me, I wana build up my portfolio.

So far, locations, sponsors, casts are mainly being covered. I just have to help in places I needed. Need to source for generator, crew van/truck, passenger van, some locations recee, food sponsor etc.

Overall, just making myself busy so that my mind will not wonder to other issues. Got a class gathering next Thur, not sure if I wana go or not cos the only thing I can talk about and am pround to mention is my work. Have no boyfriend or love life to say. Don't really know them well and moreover, I still remember that they don't like me in school times. Well, if Angeline not going then there is no point for me to go either.

When to see Ellery editing in the afternoon, the scenes and shots are done rather nice, though it's not my style. Some are either too dark in lighting or only the backshots are seen, however, I quite like how Ellery and the editor inputs and music choosen. Can't wait to see the final product.

I really hate night time, it make me think of him and how lonely I am without love. Just hate to be alone without anythings to do. Maybe it's time for me to sign up for SDC or some match make agencies.

New project anyone?

Only ended filming, it's only the 2nd day and I am feeling so bored. I am a real workaholic. Actually, I just wana work so that I can forget about those things and person I don't want to remember. I am still feeling so angry / mix up / unjustified over the matter. He said he loves me and will wait for me, but he found a new person in his life first! I went down on my pride by begging him back but he said "we are still friends". Bullshits! All the talks about waiting for me, loving me are all rubbish! I am so hurt! Just want to work like no tomorrow so I can forget about guys and love issues.

I am married to my works. I don't want to. I just want a normal relationship with the man I love. That's not difficult rite?

Am already 27, going 28 next year. When can I can a man who will be willing to marry me? I don't want to wait until all my friends got married and have kids and I am still single and looking. It will be too painful for me.

I am scared.... really scared....

Ended 12days of madness

Finally ended the 12 days of madness filming today. When Ellery shouted ''wrap'', everyone was rejoice and shouting hurray. I was abit stone then the ''wrap'' hit me like 10mins later, the I start to feel the pressure and burden lighten. Those 12 days was total madness and everyone's mood was at the worse. There was shouting, screaming, arguments, scolding, throwing tempers everything, but over all, everyone leaves the project without any bad feelings ( I hope).

When for dinner after filming in Holland Village. Emida, Shawn, Sharon, Ellery, Sharmaine, Karen, Men and TK joined. Alot of bitching, gossiping and laughters. Emida is so nice that she paid for the meal.

The other project with Ark Pictures is cancel, Dreamforest's project is delay. So now left with no project on hand and I am back to the waiting game. Meanwhile, agree to help Ellery with his short film while taking other afew days off thing kind of projects. Never do short film before, so I guess it's another new experience for me. Lucky, the locations and casting are almost settle. MR and locations breakdown are settle also. Just have to find out what other things I have to do lor after this Friday meeting.

Had great fun working in the telemovie. Emida, Ellery, TK, Karen, Sharmine, CJ, Jimmy are of great help. They help to lighten my burdens. Casts are great too. Really love the Selegie fighting scene course I sort of did the fight movement and stunt co-ordinations.

Emida is suggesting of holding a sneak preview of the movie before it's on air, with all the casts, crews, production teams. I am so excited! Will be going in to see the editing once in awhile. See how Ellery edits. Have not been in an editing suite for quite awhile liao.

Ahhh.... meanwhile I just take a break, rest well and fully charged my batteries before the next project starts. Have to do all my 12 days of production reports, do my claims, do the roller credits out tomorrow. Wed go office to pack the props and others, hand in roller credits, then I be off from the project.

Learning

7 more days of filming, from 8th-14th without any off day. Got to hang on and survive. Learn alot of things from Emida and Ellery. They teach me and keep telling me that I am doing very good and fine. Have to learn to be like them, on how to handle stress and pressure without breaking down.
My girls are still learning and there are still alot of things they don't understand and don't see the view and version like Ellery and me. Really hope that they will carry the passions they have in the beginning, carry the passions to the end. In this trade, passions is the the only thing to keep one going. Cos our pay sucks, working hours sucks, everything sucks. It's the passions that keep me going also.
During the past few days of hard filmings, I suddently miss him. He coming to fetch me to work and from work, he buying foods for me, he listening to my conplains and nagging, he just being there for me. I am someone of big pride, so there is no way I will ask him back myself. So... just leave it to fate then.
Craving for japanese foods, international buffet, bascially good foods with wines. Need to pamper myself after this project, then I can move on to next project.

3 days madness gone

Ended 3 days of filming, today rest, got another 9 days of filming to go. Being very tired and had being sleeping in office. No proper beds and is so cold. Sharmine and Karen both slept over in office also, then Ellery slept over on 2nd night also. Not turn down the aircon and fan cos scare that they be hot. Finally get home last night, sleep till 2pm then wake up.
Oh ya! Got a new grip joing our team from 8th-14th onwards and he is Alvin. Hahahaha.... finally another crew member I know beside TK.
Going to film for 2 days, then rest 1 day, then film from 8th-14th without break. Damn tiring. Locations for a quite a few placeds not fix yet. Sharmaine, Karen, CJ are all tired. They worked very hard and really put in alot of works inside.
Am planning for a warp party for everyone. I don't care about foods, just wana have beers and drinks....
I wana wrap soon....

Madness

Working like a mad dog and crazy woman these days. Ellery says each time he looks at my hair it's getting messier. What to do, I have to perform miracles for the projects. The tele-movie is getting scary as the days draws near. Alot of things undone yet. The whole world still waiting for my schedules to be out which is like a mess.
Things to do:

1. Schedules to be out, including daily rundowns
2. Find Xiu and Reyes and other supporting casts
3. Source and check out generator rates and book it
4. Settle locations
5. Imaging for Xiu and Marlene
6. Standby cashs for wardrobe and makeup
7. Allote who is going to do what on set

Actually alot more but don't know where to start. Never sleep properly for alot of nights liao, think I am becoming a super woman. Though it's tough but I got great help from alot of people. Emida is a darling, even though she is the boss but sh is great! Even when to collect polar puffs foods form me during the rehearsal yesterday, unlike other bosses I know and woke with before. Really hope that I can pull through this period then she finds my performance not bad and will look for me for other projects.

Tired... Stress... Eyes pain...

Yawn! busy like a mad dog today. Making calls, do bookings, auditions, production meeting, audition again, make more calls, do more bookings... never ending. Desk is so messy, papers everywhere, notes everywhere, dozen and one missed calls to return. Still in office now, trying to finish my master rundown that's been delay and trying to do for afew days but eyes getting too painful and blur.

Suppose to pass scripts to a stylist but the time doesn't permit me to. Alot of things undone.

• Hunt and book stylist and propsman
• Find more auditions for Timothy, Jolene, Mdm Said, Marlene, Reyes, Melwani, Helena Gorden
• Check Richard availability for rehearsals
• Check ambulance dimensions
• Find sponsor for silver mecs cab
• Book crew van
• Book equipments
• Finish master rundown and location breakdown
• Set time and casts for imaging
• Do rehearsal rundowns
• Make sure locations is found and settle
• Production meeting for drama
• Casts list for drama

Never ending... lalalalalalalalalalalalala................................................................................................................................................................................................................

Dreaming of my holiday

Have been thinking of going on a holiday for a long time, thinking of months liao. Either go KL (the Hansel can bring me around. Heeheehee) or find friends to go HK or Taiwan. Need to unwind and relax (so I can go a longer way). Don't know if I got the other project or not, if got then I got to postphone my holiday till Feb liao.

Got a good news! At least for my 2nd AD, I guess. Manage to get in another assistant as helper for current project. Work can be split and done more. Karen can concentrates in her locations, wardrobes, props... Then the helper can concentrate in the sponsors and assist me.

Need to get the finalize script out by Mon, then I can update my master rundown, location breakdown, props list. wardrobe lists, makeup lists, art directions etc

Gambadei Cherlyn! Jia You wor!

Need some encouragement from friends.

My mix up brain cells

Got a call from a friend yesterday that Crisis Simulation Theatre is showing sneak preview at SDC. Guess what, those people who worked damn hard for the project wasn't invited! 1st and 2nd AD, that's Stephen and me lar, all the interns (x3), PAs (x2), propsmen (x2), crews (x8), casts (x10), EODs, SCDFs are not invited at all. The boss only invite SMRTs. Kanasai! When my SMRT friend ask the production house boss why he never invited us, he just tell my friend he thought we are busy with projects and change to another topic. So fake!

My projects are sort of getting somewhere. Had production meeting with Director yesterday, abit understand what he wants. Never work with him before, so trying to understand his method and style of filming. We need to find more sponsors and settle the locations fast, only have 2 more week to shoots. I need to settle alot of things fasts, costings, casts, props, wardrobes, imagings, rehearsals etc. Directory expect alot out of the project, he wants good art directing, good wardrobes combinations, good props.... I mean it's okay lar, that's what expected on all projects. Just hope that I can do both the role of PM and 1st AD well.

Life has being pretty boring for me these days. Work then home, never go out. Everytime, I wana go out or free to go out, friends always busy or have appointments liao. Last night worse, suppose to meet this friend at 10pm at Ochard. Then he change his mind or maybe got some other apppintments, he decides to go "Happy" and asks me to join. I mean, what am I doing in a gay pub right? It will be like self-entertaining cos I only know him and I bet he will busy with his friends once inside. Go "Happy" with a group of friends I know, like the last time I went, I don't mind lor.

Got to know another friend, but he is from KL, so it be difficult to meet also. Ha! Now I got 2 friends with almost the same name and both are part-time talents cum non-singaorean some more. Hansel aka Yu Jing from KL and Hansol Seo from Korean. Yeah! Now I go overseas I got friends to find and bring me around even saving on hotal money cos can stay in their house liao. Not many places lar only KL, Korean, HK, Japan, Mexico, Taiwan.

Ohh yeah... about the topic about my idea partner hor, I like to add afew more

• Romantic, have to give me surprises sometimes. Surprises that really touch my hearts
• Knows how to dress and make himself neat. (I am ugly, so hoping to find someone good looking)
• Whenever I have problems, hoping that he can solve for me or at least make me feel better. Keep saying "I understand" but never do anything to help just piss me off
• Out on dates, please do have an idea or decide on where to go. I have enough decision making during work, I hope not to use my brain much after work. Valentine's Day asks me where I want to eat isn't romantic and should he boyfriend's job to think and give me surprise
• Sex is a two way thing, only oneself happy isn't enough. What about me?!
• Have to totally understand my job, the irregular hours and everythings.

Just hoping to find someone I love and he loves me. That's all. Alot of topics covered in this post, no wonder my title is mix brain cells. I am really mix up liao. Need to unwind. Need to drink. Need to chat and hang around with friends. My friends where are you?

Tired but still like my works

Woke up at 730am yesterday, then work till 1230am then leave office. Mike is so nice to come and fetch me home. Ha! I save on the cab fare. Woke up at 830am today. So tired. Alot of casts to find, locations to source, sponsor to get. My eyes almost can't open liao.

Anyway, thanks to Raymond, Paul, Mike, Simon, who help me in my projects. Be it in sponsorship or anything.

Yawn... back to work again.

Idea partner

Met up with a friend laste night, was chatting with her. Then she asks me what's my idea partner. Thought for awhile, after thinking through about all my ex boyfriends, these are what my idea partner should have.

1. Loves me more than I love him
2. Has to be tan and not fair
3. Shoulder lenght or best short hair
4. Good temper
5. Got his own mind and idea
6. Knows what he wants in life, his goals
7. Stable career, stable income
8. Loves his family and friends
9. Don't mind not having any children
10. Smoker and drinker or not it's okay, but have to accept that I am a smoker and drinker
11. Can accept my working schedules
12. Don't expect me to call him everyday to report my where abouts (I don't own anyone my life)
13. Must be manly
14. Loves my hobbies
15. Loves Me... Loves Me... Loves Me... Loves Me... Loves Me... Forever

Well, I guess it's not too hard to have the above as my idea partner right? Is it too much to ask for? I don't know anymore. Someone says I am too dependant on guys... am I? Whatever...

Busy busy busy....

Started working in for just 2 weeks and realise that time isn't enough. Have to settle 2 projects pre-production by this month as tele-movie starts shoot 1st Aug. Not enough time liao. Have to double up as PM for both projects. It's challenging but pressuring.

Need to source for sponsorships, locations, facilities, auditions for casts, do out burgets, source for crews, rush writers for scripts... I only got 1 month!

It's Sat and am in office with assistant, having a string of auditions today and tomorrow. Weekends burn liao but am so used to it that I rather work on weekends and public hoildays. Karen is so new and green, but she can work. Lucky she never complain about buring her weekends, if not...

Hahahahah.... Ochre call me up to work as 1st AD for Untitled.... again.... Lucky am working here... Not that I don't want to go back, just that I find that it's a rather curse project. I hope to work in Ubin Boy season 2, miss the casts, crews, director, Ubin driver Vincent, those monkeys and wild boars running freely in Ubin.

Well.... whatever will comes will comes... The more I wish for the more it will not become mine. It's always the case.

What the hell with people?!

Had such a terrible and bad night, last night. Person just doesn't learn, a father already but just like to vent his anger anyhow, worse thing is it is his problem. Wants me to do something for him, do step A but he wants step B, when do step B he wants me to do step A. Am feeling so fxxk up that I just refused to talk to him. Mum tried to talk sense into him but... sign... does it help? I don't think so.

3rd day of work today, still have doen nd one things not settle yet. Only 2 persons woing in the project, really must make these 2 projects go smoothly. 1st time doing the work of a PM on top of my job as 1st AD, it's rather stressful and tiring. Now I know the shit and pressures Joey faces, there are so many things that I need to learn from her.

Lucky for me, I got quite a great and workable 2nd AD, who has been of help to me. Although she is still rather new and inexperience, she is willing toearn and handle anything I ask her to do.

Will be a battle field for me from now to Sept. Busy busy busy busy.... Travelling from my home to Holland Village is tiring, takes 1hr 30mins.

Full force

Going to start work soon in another 4 days. Got to handle 2 projects almost at the same time, something that I have never done before. The boss trusts me and I really hope to live up to her expectations. In somewhat a new postions with new responsiblity which I really want to perform well in. Got an intern who used to work with me in new projects. Hard sell her quite strongly to boss, hope that she can at least leave up to expectations for 70% I be happy liao. Quite scare that she not as fit as boss will think of her. Lucky I play safe liao, tell boss that she is a fresh grad so not much experience but can work lar. *cross my fingers*

Being single for 2 weeks 5 days liao, he still messages me telling me he misses and still loves me. Heartlessly for me, I don't feel anything. Really don't know how to react and reply so I just delete the messages without replying. I really hate myself for being so cold, so heartless, so ungrateful. Sometimes I wonder, am I fit to be loved? Sis tells me that the right man hasn't come into in my life yet, the man who I will love and belove. Maybe... I don't know... Am I still waiting for him? Or am I hoping to find someone who can be like him?

Being so eager to get any projects is because I don't want to be alone. Don't wants to have the time to think of any personal issues.

Well... life got to carry on regardless of what happen.

Happy!!!

After doing nothing at home and rotting away (since 27th May), I finally got projects to do! Am feeling so lucky that I got calls for projects. Will be doing 2 projects from July to mid Sept, then another project with another company from mid-Sept to Jan (if the rate is right). Wow! That's mean, I be kept busy for the next 6 months! That's good news and it's wonderful!
Another exciting thing I just know: my "brother", my mentor, is now Director / PM. Finally he is being recognise as Director. I always see him as a fit AD that I keep telling him he should be a director a long time ago. Hope to work with him again in his new position.
I am so happy and excited about my projects and the news that I feel so lucky. Hope that everything will go smoothly for the upcoming projects that I will be recognise like my mentor.
Cherlyn, you must work hard and smart okay.
Cherlyn, you must stay focus and get on form.
Go Cherlyn Go!

June 26, 2006 (wrote date in friendster blog. copy n paste over)

Happy Birthday

Happy birthday to Cherlyn. Another birthday passed, older by another year. Still trying to earn a living out there this world. Ended a relationship, hurt another person again, but I feel that my burden isn't that heavy anymore. I can breathe better and am happier. Feel so selfish by having all those thoughts. Sometimes, I really don't understand myself, don't know what I want in life. When there's work, will complain why I don't have any personal life. When there's no work, will complain that life is so boring by staying at home everyday.
Maybe humans are just so difficult to please. When someone treats you so good in the relationship that your best friend envys, you just have to find faults thats leads to break off. Always searching for a relationship that will bot happen or will not have any ending.
Going through this process whereby I am trying to understand myself, trying to understand others, trying to understand relationship, trying to earn a living... Really wants to say thanks to those friends who stand by me regardless of what happen, always supporting me and giving me advices. Thanks!
Will try to get my confident back soon.

June 12, 2006 (wrote date in friendster blog. copy n paste over)

Workahoilc

Ended project, have been staying at home, emailing resumes out, going for interviews... its really boring. I can't wait to get on production fast. Am a real & serious workahoilc since the age of 17. Starts to fall sick & get depress when not wking. Family complains that the amount of money I bring in is inconsistence, but I am doing freelance. How to be fix in income?
Am really tired of life. Am not the type to work in 9-5 jobs. Tried before, can't stand it, its just isn't me. :(
I need a job fast, if not I go crazy.

May 30, 2006 (wrote date in friendster blog. copy n paste over)