Trying to recover

Been uploading afew songs into my friendster, the songs say out my feelings. Sharon, thanks for sharing the songs with me. I like the last song the most as it best say out my inner feelings, Jolin Cai-你还爱我吗. A question that I really want to ask him but don't have the courage to.

Wondering what is he doing now. How is his flu. Does he still have sleeping problem every night? Is his business doing great. How is the meeting when he goes to his company in KL.

What I really want to ask is "Have you ever love me? Are you thinking of me?"
Questions that I know he will not answers.

When will I ever recover from this illness this time?

Thanks!

Been very upset and cried alot for the past few days. Am very gladful that I have a group of friends who stand by me and consoles me.

1. Thanks Sam for listening to my nonsense being there
2. Thanks Sharon for making a point to meet me yesterday and staying with me. Thanks for your hugs and shoulder when I out burst to you, crying like a mad woman the moment I saw you.
3. Thanks Ellery, although you never say much but just making yourself free out of your busy schedules.
4. Thanks Hansol for calling me the moment you read my last blog entry.

Thanks to all my friends who believes in me and willingly to let me vent my sadness to him. I will try to get over and overcome this down period. I will concentrate on my career and 武术.

I am still being hopeful in relationship and wants to fall in love soon. So do keep a look out for good man for me okay. :)

It's over

The short few weeks relationship is over. We are just not right for each other. He don't feel comfortabe having anyone and don't want to commit into any relationship right now. I don't hate him or blame him but I really feel hurt and sad that a relationship has to end. Though I still love him, I know that love can't be force. He prefer to remain as friends.

I am very sad. My heart has died once again. Why am I living on this earth for? No one loves me. My requirement isn't very difficult. Just someone to pamper and loves me. Am I asking for too much? After being through the past relationships, I have begin to take things easy and not be demanding. Is this a punishment for me? God! Are you trying to test me or just want to let me live the rest of my life alone? I really hate myself!

CHERLYN TAN I HATE YOU!

Training

Went for my 武术 training last night, did alot and really re-fresh my 武功底. Leg is aching even until now but have to bear with it cos tomorrow got another round of training. Now my training will be every Tuesday and Thursday, 7-930pm. As long as I am done re-freshing, then I will be personally trained under 彦炳 to learn stunt moves for 拍戏. I have to focus, concentrate and buck up cos i wana to do stunts again soon.

Sharon tells me not to do stunts again but stunts is inside my blood and I love the feelings. Guess nothing and nobody can make me change my mind for the time being.

Later going Bugis to see 彦炳 and his guys do a set up for an event performance tomorrow night. Too bad I can't watch the event tomorrow cos I got training. Training more important cos I wana learn fast and quick. Afterwhich, will be meeting with "Sis" for dinner. Long time never see her liao, lots of stuffs to check up on.

Can't wait to off work.

Dear... Love you and miss you

Spent too much

Oh no! I spent too much money last night and since I got my pay. Got to cut down on my spending liao. Went Fancl twice, first time spent $40++, last night spent $140++. Oh no! Must not go Fancl and must not any how spend money liao.

Going for my 武术 training later after work, training under 彦炳 and Ms Diva going to join me also. I very long time never 松骨, hoping that I can still catch up.

After training, might have feature meeting. Not confirm yet, waiting for Director to call me.

Ellery confirm with him about his feature filming in Aug, doing conti since I am still working when they need the 1st AD to start in June for pre-prod. Oh well... too bad... He says that doing conti also rather stressful and tiring. I never really fully do conti before, I mean previously as AD, conti is part of the responsible and job. At least, my resume got another new position -- Conti Person for Feature Film.

Dear dear.... I miss you... Love you...

Taking things easy

Miss seeing him... hugging him... just being with him... He is so busy with his business and friends... Is he serious about this relationship? I don't wana force him or think so much about it already... just let nature take it's course. If this relationship is meant to last, it will. For me, I will just wait for him in patience.

The project got delay, as per normal. Just becourse network wana use their dream male lead who isn't free for the actually filming schedules. Can't they just be more flexible? Their mind just work in a square. Irrating! Then my the other project in June got problem liao. Call the boss and told her about my side problem. Worse come to worse, I might not be able to do the other company June project -- a drama. Haiz. I love working in that company and boss.

Saw Yan Bing on Thur, decides and agree to go to his wu shu guan for training again. He is looking for female stunt and I like stunts, so there goes...

Last night, went ktv with Sam. KGarden at Serangoon Garden sucks UNLESS you likes to sing English songs, they have more orginial mtv for English songs. The song systems sucks, room too small BUT the aircon isn't centralise (good for people like me who can't stand the cold).

Hansol got a role in a play. Congrats to him!

I have been using the Fancl - washing powder, lotion and miky lotion since Friday night. So surprising that I actually spend the time and bother to do all these. Hahahaha.... Well, if my face turns up with improvment, then maybe I will start to invest in Fancl's products. Another one of Sharon the diva recommendations that I will spend money in again. Hahahaha....

Dear, I really miss you alot.

Unwell

Have been sick since last week, first I "lao sai", then I vomit, follow by sore throat, flu, aching body, gastric. Maybe I don't have enough rest, that's why body and health drop.

Have not meet dear for afew days already, wonder how is he now. Have a mutal understanding that I will give him time and patience for him to get into the relationship. So will not force him to meet him or do anything for me. Wonder what type of relationship I am having.

Wana learn diving. Under water world is so nice and peaceful.

Filming got delay, as usual for any productions.

Seems like all 3 Directors for the sitcom are rather nice and friendly.

To those who read my blog

Went drinking with Theresa and Sam after work last night, had a great night chilling out with them at Que Pasa. Left the place at 10pm plus, went to Liquid Kitchen at Serangoon Garden with Sam. On the cab, I called Sis to join me, but she isn't free. Then she told me that "he" has been reading on my blog and asking her questions about me. That got me abit piss off. Reading my blog is okay, since the first day I decided to write on blog, I know that some how or rather, people that I like / dislike and people that I know / unknow will read. But the main issue is that since you read and have question on your mind, can go ahead and ask me instead of bothering my Sis. Whatever happen to me in my life, has nothing to do with her. She has her own problems and troubles and daily stuffs, she isn't answeable to my life.

If you are concern about me as a friend, then you can directly ask me. You know who you are, cos I did sms you (out of the blue) last night. Also, should you (anyone out there) who leaves comments in blog, please don't sign off with the name "passerby". If you can leave comments, you might as well leave your name too. You know who you are. I will not hunt you or kill you if you leave your name, which I don't even have the time and bother to.

Well... I just wana voice out my feelings which I have been in my heart and mind since last night. No offends to anyone.

Saturaday outing

Was suppose to go Sentosa, Victor's house yesterday. But the whole plan got cancel and when I called Victor, he sound rather angry with me. I don't mean to cancel it but out of 6 people, 2 can't join at all, 2 going for a free screening until don't know what time and then 1 got filming until 3am. I mean, what's the point right? Oh well, there's nothing I can do. I can only say sorry cos I called and tell him the plan cancel.

Then Hansol called at almost 9pm, we arrange to meet to go for a drink. We went drinking at Serangoon Garden, Liquid Kitchen. I had a bottle of beer and 2 cocktails. Chat till 2am then go home. It's rather fun and nice chatting with him. He is a guy with dreams and goals. Come all the way from Korea and be in Singapore alone, in order to learn Mandarin and acting. Really wish him the best.

Sunday afternoon now, what do I do today? How am I going to spend my time? Any friends want to go out with me?

New Begining

Date: 13th Marth 2007
Time:L 2330hrs
Venue: Dbl O

The above marks a new begining in my love relationship. We are going together as a couple. Although we have our differences, we are giving each other a try and hoping to make our relationship works. Me 28, he 36. Both of us agree that we are not getting young anymore, so we have to make it work.

He sent me home in taxi cos he sent his car for repair yesterday. He was rather upset that it had to rain when he sent his car to repair but... I manage to make him smile again. Heehee...

Hoping for the best.

Dear

My dear, who isn't my boyfriend, is coming for an audition today. Although I know that most likely he will not be picked as the main lead, however, I still hope that he can appear in at least 1 of the episodes.

He has the face of Ch8 but can't speak Mandarin that well, has been acting for afew years already. Just hope that he can get a 2nd chance after that time auditioning for Heartlanders.

Miss you

Went to watch "Men Tu" finally with Sam, it's a great show. At least after watching it, I never walk out of the cinema unhappy. Andy Lau's acting is wonderful, the new actress is great and Daniel's acting has improve alot. After watching, went straight home. Actually, before watching, had dinner with Sam and we gossipes and talk alot of rubbish. A great guy whom I am believe can make it in this industry.

Another boring Sat, staying at home with nothing to do. Have a shoot today but last minute got cancel. Friends not free to go out. Boring. Miss going out with those friends whom we used to be so close yet so far now. Simon, Donovan, Bryan, Angeline, Sharon, Xing Ang, Stephen ...

As what I always believe, friends wiill start to spend less time with you when they find their love ones or start their careers. Oh well ...

Waiting for filming to start

Finally the other 1st AD for DF project is back in office from his 1st project. Quite a nice guy, can take jokes and can communicate, only 23, in the industry for a year.

Nothing much to do for project for now, only for some researches. So help in auditions lor. Locations Researcher will officially report work next Mon, a lady whom I never work before. Glenn will be the Director, he knows me, through Ellery. Was taken aback when he said he knows me and saw me before. Hahahaha....

Victor always says that "Cherlyn, who don't know her". Please lar! Kanasai! I am just a unknown AD who is still trying to make it as a Director lor. People will still ask "who is Cherlyn ah?"

Haiz....

Hansol Seo will be in Singapore on 17th, be meeting him on 18th maybe. He be staying in East Coast area.

Injury

Last week was one of my busy periods, weekdays was working and auditioning in office then weekend filming. After last audition on Friday around 7pm, had dinner and then meeting for Sun filming. By the time I reach home it's around 2am, sleep afew hours only course had a filming on Sat which the call time was 9am at Clementi. Clementi is so far lor.

Filming was fun and it's the last day also, although Victor had flu but he still hang on all the way. Once again, thanks to all the for making the short film together and agreeing to help up when I call.

Had dinner then went home course Sun got overnight filming. Was up at 10am course need to go check equipments and buy props and stuffs for the filming. The filming was fun too! The team is small but everyone helps up and filming ends smoothly. The filming ended earlier than plan, we warp at 430am (1 hour earlier, we plan at 6am). Packed and tidy up the place, reach home at almost 6am.

Actually wanted to go to work which I have to reach at 1030am but I just can't make it. I got sudden sore throat and whole body aching. So call and report sick lor. Anyway, my leg got problem again, so can't walk properly also. Slept until 530pm. Finally check my leg, they are full of fresh injuries marks.

I think I have to stop helping in short film for a while course, it's all spending money but no income coming in. I need to get my Feb pay from DF this week. If not I die ah.

New Surprises

Am so sleepy now, my eyes can hardly open. Have a string of auditions until 7pm , which started at 11am this morning. Having a short break now while waiting the the next one to come.

PM just told me that I am confirm in for District 9, their another drama after current project.

Had meeting last night about this Sunday filming (which is last minute being told to shoot yesterday afternoon), another short film. Discussion till 2am then reach home, make a lists of what I have to do until 5am then sleep. Woke at 730am so that I can reach office at 9am to settle the 2 short films stuffs before auditions starts. But... the office only opens till 935am! Lucky, I never waste my time. Did some calling and settle afew things.

Sunday shoot should be all settled, sponsors all done. *Cross fingers damn hard*

I really hope that 2007 will be a great year for me in career, course I don't have much hope in love already. Loss faith already.

Old work place

Yesterday, went to MCS library with Avril to do research for current project. The route walking towards MCS seems so familiar and bring back memory, horrible memories actually. The "taking a very deep breathe" before walking in and avoiding bombs everywhere. Sian. Consider I have to shoot inside the studio when project starts, seeing those familiar faces.

As we were walking towards library, met Daniel (AD).

In library, met Emida and one of her staff doing research also. So fun! We did abit of research then went lunch in canteen together.

Emida and her staff went off first after doing abit more research after lunch. Avril and I did until 6pm, as it's still raining, we went to the canteen to grap hot drinks while waiting for rain to stop. Met Zhen Si Mei, we chat for awhile and she still remembers me. So happy! Cos she is one of the artistes I like in MCS.

Waited for a cab for about an hour, with the super long q of people waiting.

It's been raining since yesterday, such a nice weather to sleep in.

Ellery just sms me asking me to help up in a shoot for the weekends, need to find out more details. Don't really want to crash with Jeremy's shoot, see how lar.

My personal thoughts: Busy week

My personal thoughts: Busy week

Busy week

Starts working in DreamForest since 21st, nothing much to do for the time being. Just looking for some sponsors and stuffs that's all. Cos the project has a Casting Director, Location Researcher, Resource Researcher. Piao, PM, is still applying to use MediaCorp props, wardrobe and makeup. So far, everyone is still okay, can communicate. Just that I notice, when they come for work and leave for the day, no one has the habit of saying "Good Morning" and "Good Bye". Oh well ... Maybe it's the culture here.





Being filming on Jeremy's short film on 24th and 25th, last weekend. Everything is okay, runs rather smoothly. When we went Geylang to shoot on 24th, met afew strange men who sort of disturb our thoughts. It's rather normal for me but I think the xiao meis will find it funny. 25th was so funny, after filming at Toa Payoh everyone came to my house. After the casts have changed, everyone stay in my room (with my aircon running ... so cooling) and style the casts' hair. Gillian was lying on the bed, dress pull up so high and legs wide open. Victor wearing suits and hair being spray gold and red. We manage to did everything within 30mins, afterwhich we rush to Orchard to shoot. I like the chaos and everyone working and puting thing together, laughing and joking while working. The Couple for the shoot.

It's the last day of shoot on 3rd, I guess I will miss everyone again.

Back on busy track

Yo! Am glad that I am back on my busy track. Finally! Started work at Dream Forest already. Then this Sat and Sun have filming, afterwhich it's back to office to work on following weekday, then next Sat has filming also.

Ha! Will be working till next Sun then off. Jeremy call and tell me that then 8mm camera is spoilt. Cost $300 plus to repair which he rather buy a new one which is the same amount also. Goodness, have not start filming yet and the 1st hipcup happen.

Don't think can attend Jennifer's ROM on 27th liao. Got to inform her tomorrow. Got to ask Dan to sponsor light meter, reflector and polyform for the shoots. Got to pass transport money to Kai tomorrow.

Meeting with researcher tomorrow morning.

Yahoo! Let me work until I don't have to think about the depressing issues.

New project tomorrow

CNY Day 2

Morning my 3rd uncle and family came to my house, suddently pop up, at around 10am. Then they stay until 12pm and left. Went over to granny's house and stay till 1pm. Went over to a relative's house (whom have not visit for years) at Upper Thomas. Stay for afew hours then my 3rd uncle and Gu Gu whole family came to my house. Played poker and majong. Won $10 over. Sis came over for a short while then leave to go to her friend's house. They played majong until 4am plus but I slept at 2am.

CNY Day 3

Woke at 10pm to go to pray my great grandma. Then went to makan. Afterwhich, we went Bugis which I meet Sis there. Actually we are intending to catch a movie but alot of people and don't have the time we want to watch. Can't watch late also cos Sis has to go to her relative's house at 630pm. Too bad. So we hang around at Mr Bean at Prinscep Street. Arrange to catch the movie tomorrow night, after her interview and my work.

Finally tomorrow I will start work at Dream Forest at 1030am. Yeah! Yes! Have been rotting at home like century. Not enough sleep for the past few days. Wonder if I will go sleepless again tonight again or not. Yawn!

Broken promise

It's CNY day 1.

Dad orders buffet which my ex-neighbours from Selegie Road are suppose to turn up. However, only my auntie's family turn. Non of the ex-neighbours turn up, which they promise to. Some people just don't keep to their promises. Unbelievable! I thought in such competive society, should people can't turn up or rather don't want to turn up. They should call right. At least the buffet will not go to waste. Still can cancel. Now the food are wasted, so much left over.

Got up so early, wear so nice, put on makeup, do so many things ... Haiz ...

Auntie's family leaving soon. Then nothing to do liao. Sms friends, see anyone free to go out. Maybe catch a movie or something.

So bored!

Good Night or Good Morning?

Had a rather fullfilling day, by right it's yesterday course it's after 12 midnight.

My schedule on 16th Feb:-

11am: Appointment with a childhood friend for breakfast around my house area

2pm: Appointment with Piao from DreamForest to collect Ep1 script and synopsis. Then Jenny asks for my availability after the sitcom which I told her I should be free. Then she "book" for a English drama and a Manadarin telemovie. That's great! At least I know that I don't have to worry about this year projects and income.

3pm: Meet Dick at Paragon to collect my camera back. He don't know how to upload photos up, so as helpful Cherlyn, I agree to help him create a website for his photos.

430pm: Meet Jeremy and Wan Ping at Changi Airport, Burget Terminial, Hans, to discuss shots lists.

730pm: Kai Li, Victor and Yizhuang arrive to discuss props and brief about changes in script.

The last meeting ends at 10pm, so by the time I reach home it's 1130pm plus. Help Dick create his website and load photos up which took me around 1 hour plus. Then did the amendment callsheet and type out the shots lists. Afterwhich, went out for supper. Came back around 5am. Email the paper works I did. Now writing on blog before I sleep. My eyes are very tired. YES! I finally can fall asleep. Had sleepness night for the past 1 week. I think for me to fall asleep, I must get really very tired.

Yawn... Night night...

Thanks!

Another Valentine's Day has passed. Staying at home the whole of yesterday was killing for me. Surfing internet, chatting with friends on MSN and watching TV programmes. Afew friends sent me sms and call me to wish me Valentine's Day, touched my heart. Thank you my friends!

Roller credits:

Jeremy - Thanks for your sms
Donovan - Thanks for remembering me through your sms
AkBar - Thanks for sms, MSN chat and call to invite me out with your friends
Simon - Thanks for remembering to call me to wish me on your way home
Hansol - Thanks for calling me all the way from Korea
Victor - Thanks for entertaining me on MSN even when you are so busy
Sharon - Thanks for checking on me, asking me how am I. You are such a diva darling
Eric - Thanks for entertaining me on MSN also when you are so busy with works and had such late dinner

And so the credits ends here

I really hope that I don't have to spend another Valentine's Day alone again. In case any of you, my dear friends, don't know how to leave me a note. Just go to comments and clink on it, then it will open a new window, then you can leave me comments liao.

Valentine's Day

Happy Valentine's Day! It's Vday today and I got no date.

14th Feb 2006, I was working during the daytime then at night went on date with my then boyfriend.

14th Feb 2007, I am at home, writing in my blog. Lonely, miserable, sad and heart is bleeding.

Almost everyone I know are all having a great partner and are in a great relationships. Happy for them but ...

I really don't know how to go through these lonely days. Don't know how many more lonely days I have to go through.

I am just a ugly, short, tan, no figure, simple woman hoping to find someone I can depend on. Someone I can love. Someone who can pamper me. Someone I can spend the rest of my life with. Someone whom I can say "I Love You" to. Someone who can make my heart skips. Someone who can make me blush.

Waiting ... The waiting game is killing me ... How long more do I have to wait?

Boring Saturday

Yesterday, met up with Angeline at 5pm to go Bugis Village. Then went to eat dinner at Mos Burger at Bugis Junction. Chat for awhile, then she has to leave to meet her other friends at 9pm.

Prince happen to be in office working, so met up with him after Angeline left. Oh my god! It's a mistake, I shouldn't have meet him. He brings me to his office, which I felt super uncomfortable. There are like 5 Africans in the office lor, including him. Just sit in his office for about 5mins, he brings me to the coffee shop nearby. Chat for about 30mins then I finally escape.

It's not that I hate him or what, but it's just that we can't seems to communicate. The only language, English, seems so difficult for him. Talking to him, I have to use basic English and it's like I am back teaching in my pre-school classes.

It's Sunday and I am stuck at home. Sian ah! So boring!

Plans for CNY?

It's CNY next week already, how time flies. I have been living in this earth for 28 years already and I am still single, still searching for my Mr Right to sweep me from the floor. Waiting for him to take me away from singlehood. Waiting...

Will be so bored during CNY. Mum not cooking for this year CNY eve, for the first time. Might be ordering delivery or going out to eat. CNY 1st day, we will have cathering at home. Invited ex-neighbours from Selegie Road to our house for gathering. CNY 2nd day, should be going to grandma's house. Same old thing. So friends who read this blog, should there be any plans to go out, don't forget me hor. Oh ya! Should any of you don't have any plans on CNY 1st day, you are invited to my house also.

Just heard from Hansol that he most likely will be in Spore on 7th March.

Starting from tonight, every Thursday, 830pm on channel 8, do catch "Qin Ben Jia Ren". One of my favourite kid, Coeway, very 1st Mandarin sitcom.

Starting projects soon

Finally! I got a call asking me to start work on 21st Feb. At last! I don't have to stay at home, doing nothing. I be doing sitcom and maybe a drama. The production company is booking me till Aug for their projects. In case you all are wondering which company I am going to cos I have been to quite afew interviews, I will be working for DreamForest, the English department. The PM for the 2 projects seems like a rather nice lady whom I can talk and work with. Well, can only hope for the best.

Let's hope that I will busy until I don't have to think about other things and issues. I want to stop and cure my depressions. Feb is also a month that my Korean friend, Hansol will be coming to Singapore.

I also hope to introduce Victor and Donovan into DreamForest, let them act in 1 of their projects.

Can't wait to start work.

Meeting up

Yesterday was a day to meet up with friends that I have not seen for a very long time.

Met up with Jennifer at Jurong Point at 230pm which I was late, reach only at 3pm. Known her when I was working in Goldheart which she helped me alot and was my closest friend then. Glad to know that she is getting ROM on 27th Feb. She invited me, hopefully that I am free to turn up.

Piao from DreamForest told me that they will be getting me in as their 1st AD for their sitcome and drama. Will be starting work after CNY, so scare it might crashed with Jennifer's ROM, whuch will be on Tue at 1130am. The ROM is held at The Chervons at Jurong East, so it a very long distance from DreamForest at Prinscep Street.

After meeting Jennifer, parted with her at 6pm. Afterwhich I travel down to Shaw Lido, to meet Garry at 745pm. This time round, I am not late. He turns up late, reach only at 815pm. The last time I met Garry was in 1996. Wow! Super long time ago! We went to have our dinner at Crystal Jade (he treats) then went to watch movie, ".45"

".45" is such a stupid movie, not my style. No story plots and the whole dialogues are full of the words "fuck", "cock" etc. Movie ended at 1130pm, which I went straight home. Need to save money, so have to catch 105 bus.

Can't wait to start work at DreamForest. Wondering who will be my Director, 2nd AD and intern.

CNY

CNY is approaching and I hate it. I hate festive seasons. I hate it when I have to spend it without any boyfriend.

Photo taken on the last day of Kai Li's FYP. Let's see if I still remember their name. From left to right (1st row): Kai Li, Renyin, Qinyi, Yizhuang. (2nd row): ???, Fish, Me, Leslie (Ngee Ann), Alan (Ngee Ann).

Needs............

Been to quite afew interviews lately, so far no reply yet, except for one company. Ask me to be their location researcher, although the rate isn't bad but still I not really okay as researcher yet. It's not my comfortable zone as to speak. So I reject the offer but hopefully the company will keep me in mind should they need AD lor. Hoping to do AD for the feature film I went interview for. The interview I went this morning for the sitcome and drama isn't bad too. At least the company people know of lor.

Filmat36 been calling me asking me when can I start work... have been delaying and delaying... cos I wana try and do other company. *cross my fingers* hope 1 of the company call me 1st lor.

I really wana start work soon, so I will not think of other issues and stop my depressions fast. I need to have income coming in also. Have not given parents this month allowance and CNY money yet. Have to find money to pay for CNY buffet. Have to pay X.A money. Have to pay handphone bill. Shit!

I need motivation! I need love! I need someone to pamper me! I need friends! I need money! I need to find myself back! I need to stop hating myself!

Life

Have been bored with nothing to do at home since Kai Li FYP ended. Beside going for jobs interviews, film meetings, Jeremy's meetings my life is very boring and dying. Met up with Zavier and went to watch him play hockey which isn't the official plan but well... long story.

Last night, dad went crazy again. Came home drunk and start yelling at everyone. Really sick of this home, this family.

I find my life dying. I see no motivation in everything I do. I have no friends, no boyfriend to love me, no career to speak of, no money, no goal... NIL! NOTHING! ZERO!

I have to put on a smiling face everytime I go out, cos people only like you when you smile often. They say I look happy, but they don't know that my smile is very forceful and not from my heart. My smile is very PR and fake. My laughter and cheerfulness is all fake and force out. I don't know how to keep myself going anymore. I have live on this earth for 28 years and I am still a loser, a nothing...

I am scare. Scare that I will have to live alone by myself when old. Scare that I don't even have the money to buy myself a coffin. Scare that I will die with regrets.

Used to have so many goals and dreams which I don't know that I can fulfill or not.

I HATE MYSELF!

Sian Ah!

I am so bored! Got nothing to do! No one asks me out! Everyone is so busy except me. Where are all my friends?

No projects, no income, no life, no one to love me, no one to ask me out............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

I SHOULD BE BETTER OFF DIED. MY HEART IS DEAD. MY BRAIN IS DEAD. MY BODY IS DEAD. I SEE NO POINT IN LIVING ANYMORE. FORCING MYSELF TO SMILE IS KILLING ME.

NTU FYP Wrap

Its a wrap for Kai Li's FYP on 6th at 9pm. After 2 weeks of filming and long hours, it's done. Can't wait to see the final product.

Will be getting ready for Jeremy SH, filming in end Feb. Other than that, I got nothing to do liao. Boredom again. Got to find new projects fast.

Tiring week

Had a rather tiring but quite fullfilling weeks. 26th Dec'06 onwards, went to help in Kai Li's FYP. She has a great team with great team spirits. Everyone is willing to learn and do things. Kai Li has been having depressions during this filming periods. I don't know what I can do for her, so can only give her my listening ears and share with her what I had experienced through. Really wish that she can break through her walls and learn to take things easy.

That week was also involved in the feature film meeting, everything is going smoothly and great and according to plans. Am really very excited about the feature film.

Received a call from Filmat36 today checking about my schedule this month.Well, have to see the rates they can give me then I decide if I wana do or not.

Jeremy's SH might be postphone to Feb or March cos this month keep raining. Might be good idea also, cos I am rather tired and drain out from doing Kai Li's FYP.

Spent my New Year eve with B, he gave me flowers and a big poor bear. Really touch my heart.

Oh yeah... the photo I took at Donovan's office opening




I really like the dress I worn that day. Hope my friends who read my blog likes it too.

Wishes for the 2007

1. More jobs = more incomes
2. Become more beautiful (heehee)
3. Learn more things about filming
4. Direct my own stuffs
5. Peace and happiness to everyone around me
6. MOST IMPORTANT... FIND MY MR RIGHT

What's going on with my life?

Donovan is sick, has food poisoning. He says maybe it's got to do with his father food. He has sore throat too. Hope he is feeling okay.

Daniel is sick too. He has been working too hard this whole month that he don't have enough sleep and rest. The weather is bad too, maybe he is caught in the rain.

When Ellery's house last Friday, mention in previous blog that I known this new guy call Zavier. Did somthing that more than a friend will do. I feel bad but not that totally bad. Oh my god!

When out with last night with XXXXX. At first meet up just want to play pool and catch a movie. In the end, we went to eat at TCC, then went to play pool, then went to drink. Which in the end..... Oh my god!

This morning, Donovan call me up and asks me if did I went out with XXXXX. He isn't happy about it. He never mention why but he just tell me and make me promise him that I will not go out with him again. Haiz... What is going on to my life? Why has life become so complicated? If you don't want me to go out with others, then shouldn't you spend more time with me? Although I look super independant and capable but I am just a normal woman who needs company and someone to love. Why are you doing this to me? What have I done wrong that deserve this type of life? I am going crazy! I really hate myself! No one seems to understand my inner feelings at all. My heart is dead. It has stop beating for rather long time already. I am actually dead. My heart, my brain, all my nerve systems are dead. No one seems to be able to save me anymore. I don't even know if I want to be save or not. I am very sick of my life. Wish that any accident can happen to me and just let me go. Living is hell to me. All the guys I know seems to be wrong. All my relationships seems to go wrong. Don has a partner. Daniel is separted and blowing hot and cold towards me. Zavier... I don't know. XXXXX has a partner also. God! Why are you doing this to me?! Nothing seems to go right for me at all. Can you stop torturing me and just let me die. Just let me go. Please...

Body aching

Went to Ellery's house for the party he held. People I know like Wan Ping, Rosa, Jeremy, Glenn, Lyn, Jesz, Gillian... were there. Get to know alot of people not from this industries also. Unfortunatly, it rain twice. So we were like carrying everything up and down the BBQ pit and carway twice. I was in my skirt and heels lor, so although I wana carry alot but I have to limit myself.

Never eat much, cos as those who know my pattern, I don't wana eat too much in party whereby I am afraid the others willnot have enough to eat. Moreover, I eat rather ugly and unglam, so don't wana let others see. So to cure my hunger, I keep drinking lor. Keep drinking with a new-found friend, Zavier. A rather cute and fair guy.

Then the security guard and police came, all of us move to Ellery's house. I played computer games until 3am.

Woke up at 8am, Daniel sms me that he is sick so can't meet me today. Rather disappointed and sad but well... his health is more important. After sms-ing, I went back to sleep again and woke at 2pm. Whole body is aching. Actually, my legs and arms ache the most. Don't know why. Seems like I have been to the gym the whole of yesterday like that.

Haiz... Don't know when can meet Daniel again. He is so busy.

Wonderful day

Had such a rush Wednesday and Thursday. Got a call from Don on Wed morning inviting me to his office opening on Thur afternoon. Actually I plan to do some shopping and personal stuffs on Thur afternoon before my dinner appointment at night, So plans changes.

On Wed, I went to did Xmas shopping for then did my nails then did my hair. So by the time I reach home, I was rather tired. Maybe I sit too long when I did my hair or I shopped too much (I hate shopping by the way).

Woke up at 9am on yesterday, sms with Daniel. Then prepare to go to Don's office. Stayed there untill 7pm, afterwhich I went to meet Angeline at 730pm. She was late, as usual. Reach Daniel's restaurant at 830pm. He was so gentle, nice, loving, caring, shy, soft-spoken.... He is just too great! Hahahaha.... Angeline asks me if I am finally going to fall in love again after my last sadness. I am not sure. Really depend on fate.

Have been always sms-ing with Daniel everyday. Lets just leave it to fate.

Got another dinner appointment tonight at 830pm then Angeline's friend, Tommy, asks me out (with Angeline around of course). Meeting Daniel tomorrow. Daniel took the photos for us. He says my dress is rather translucent but Angeline says its okay.

Any date for me?

X'mas is appraching, only 4 more days. Will there be anyone celebrating with me? Got to know this Italian guy, have been sms-ing. Quite a nice guy. Will anything happen to our relationship? I don't know. Leave it to fate. This is the Italian guy, Daniel. Photo rather blur.
Here's another one.

Then got to know another foreigner from Africa, name Prince Hart. No photos of him. Also a rather nice guy but have hard time communicating with Prince. His English isn't good and I can't speak his language, so we have to use sign and hand language most of the time.

Sharon and Victor was teasing me about the guys from different countries chasing me. Hahahaha.... I am not popular nor pretty. Just that I don' know why, that's all. Sharon asks me to get married fast. Hahahaha...

I just want simple love, am a simple woman to start with. Bless me my friends.

Festive Seasona

It's getting nearer and nearer to Dec festive seasons, X'mas & New Year. It's suppose to be joyous and happy but how can I when I know that I am going to be alone. Friends will be celebrating with their loved ones and family. As for me, I have no party to attend, no one invite me out yet. Feel so lonely and sad. Wishing for the special someone to celebrate with me. It's been rather long time since I last feel the happiness of love and being pamper.

Is there anyone out there, who loves me and is going to spend the rest of my life with me?

I really need love and being pamper. However, my feelings now is more to leave it to fate. I can't force love to happen. If it's meant to me mine, it will be mine.

Freelance

It's official! I am back to doing freelance again starting from today. So friends and colleagues who read this blog, please do keep me in mind should you have any projects for me to do. I need the income and I need to work again. Have been sending resumes and sms out... *cross my fingers*

On un-paid leave

Just talk to female boss, since I got nothing to do in office, i might as well go on leave untill the projects are more fix. No point in me coming to office, play computer games untill it's time to go home or lunch. Then sometimes, the male boss gets hot temper over very small issues. Don't wana stay in office and listen to him scolding his wife or even worse, I kana scolded for no reasons.

Just as well, so I be working untill 6th, this Wed. Meanwhile, I be looking out for other projects to do. If other projects more stable and confirm, then maybe I will not even do Filmat36 projects at all.

Life has been so boring without any colleagues in office. No smoking kaki, no makan kaki.

Last Fri, met up with Serene. Quite nice and fun kid (I mean she is only 17, so of cos kid lor). Weekend was rather boring and got nothing to do. So sian.

Can't wait to go on leave and start other projects.

Working environment

It's was Jim's last day yesterday, he is happy and glad, I am sad and disapppointed and lonely. Am without any colleague again, have to eat lunch alone, smoke alone, no one to gossipe with me. Male boss is getting more and more irrating and I am so piss of him. I thought I am the only one, Jim can't stand him also, which is why he is so glad to leave the company. I am urgently finding another project to fall back on so that I can leave by giving a weeks notice.

All the things and paperworks I did are so simple and easy to read, just don't understand why he keep saying "I don't understand", "I don't know how to read", "I don;t know how to see". Either he is stupid or he wasted his 20 over years not improving at all. The paperworks I did, everyone who work with me before all understand and know how to read. What is he problem man?!

I really need to leave the company soon and go back and do freelance again. Just can't stand people who is so full of themselves and never improve.

Ahhhhh... am so lonely in office... so sick of facing the husband and wife bosses... I want to leave the company and start to breathe again...

Boredom

Am so bored! Died of boredom soon. It's Friday, both bosses are overseas, Assistant not in office (locations sourcing by right), so I am all alone in office since 11am. Actually, I can don't bother to come in but in case bosses call to spot check or something, I'm not in, then I kana liao.

Finally watch "Cabaret", a rather nice and enjoying musicial show, which makes me look forward to the one Ellery, Emida and me are preparing.

Have not really start on my short film amendment script yet after talking with Ellery and Sharon that night. Don't really know how and where to start. This always happen to me. Sian ah.

Helping up with Ngee Ann Poly and NTU FYP (foc again). Donovan is so stress up with Ngee Ann script cos he has to speak in Mandarin which he has never acted in Mandarin before. Am helping him with that, really hope that he can gain more confident in speaking in Mandarin so that in future he can act in Chinese show (although I don't like Ch8), in a way he can gain more recognisation for his acting. NTU wants Donovan also but it's rather tiring and no income to do 2 short film within the same month or close to each other.

Jim will be working till 30th Nov, then it will be his last day liao. Cos bosses don't think we can shoot anything in Dec, by Jan Jim is preparing to leave for his overseas studies. I be left alone with no colleagues again in Dec and Jan. It will be so boring and sian to face bosses only everyday. This is sick. Contract till Jan, but should there be project for me in Jan, I will leave in Dec. TVCs and Documentarys just isn't for me. I need to be in action, running about, packed with works. Paper works, co-ordinatings, calling up are just so executive. Am falling sick staying in office everyday, neck and shoulder are aching for facing with the PC for hours. Have to start looking for projects for next year liao, so that I can leave in Dec.

Still praying hard that I can start filming my short film by March... maybe by June lar...

It's been almost 5 months since I broke off... feel so lonely... feel that life has no meaning for me... when will my Mr Right comes and sweep me off my feet? Where are you my dear? I wana hug and kiss you my dear. I really need someone to love me, pamper me, clean my tears away, be with me, by my side. Haiz... am I going to spend Dec festive alone again? Without any boyfriend? I have been through those period, am really scare of the feeling. Why is all this feelings coming to me? Why? Can anyone give me an answer?

Bored and sad

Well... getting more and more impatient of current company. Sign a 3 months contract with them instead of fulltime, cos they can't agree on my rate.

Nicholas is coming back on Sat, 18th. Long time never see him liao. Wonder if he has put on weight or lost weight. Will be auditioning him on Mon, then go for dinner. Can't wait to see my long time buddy.

I am so tired... am so bored... friends always not free... am getting more and more forgetful... so sian...

Kai Li told me over msn recently that I am always bossing her arounf on set, I tend to talk like ordering people. I didn't realise that, have to change on that. If not all assistant don't like me liao.

I can't think of ideas for my script, brain very dead. Don't know where to start writting. Am so slow in my script. Can die...

I need motivations... Miss going out with friends... Am someone who is very afraid of loneliness

Updates

Well... just a short recap of what I did last week.

08th: Met up with Victor to discuss script, always have fun meeting him. He is so chatty and so full of ideas. Went Marina Square and eat, which I forgot the restaurant name. Restaurant rather nice and server rather good too.

09th: Met Sharon at City Hall, had dinner then chat until Ellery joins. Afterwhich, we went Arab Street, they bring me to this place that I will never go alone to smoke this pipe tinky that I forgot what's its called. I don't really like it so I only smoke 2 puffs. Showed them my script, alot of comments and changes. :( Need to rewrite again.

10th: Met up with Jeremy at PS and had dinner at a Japanese restaurant. Afterwhich, we went for a drink at Room Full Of Blues at Prinsep Street. Order a jug only cos he can't drink much, so sian lor. Actually, I wanted to wait till Ellery and Sharon joined us after their lan game but Jeremy is so tired that he just wana go home. So we left lor, I will not want to be alone in the pub and wait lor. Felt rather bored and still wana drink so more, so called Daniel (who is still awake) and went to his house and drink, chat, play poker cards. Stay on till 6am then go home.

11th: Gillian's birthday. Went to eat at Swensen beside Paragon. People I know who turn up are: Ellery, Sharon, Jeremy, Glenn, Jim and Amanda. Over 20 people turn up for her birthday. Wow! We surprise Gillian by giving her a cake (which is as hard as a rock) while she is eating half way. She almost cried. After that, went pub with Ellery, Sharon and Glenn. Nothing much happen cos I don't really know the other half of the group who are there. So I just sit with Sharon, who is protecting me and taking care of me like an angel. Hahahaha...... Ellery sent me home after that, so nice of him.

13th: Should have gone for locations sourcing, but it rain when I just reach the first location. Worse thing is, I fell and sprain my right leg. So unlucky. Then I just go home and never go out liao cos I got fever suddently also.

I think that I sort of repeat myself in the updates. Did I? Forgot liao. Aiyo... getting old liao... keeping forgetting things and issues.

Company got another project in which as usual, I am involve. Have talk to lady boss today, decide to go for another 3 months contract cos they can't pay me the rate for full time. So until 12th Feb lor. Well... at least don't have to worry about finding projects every month lor.

I need a life. I need friends to company me. I need boyfriend (as in normal relationship). Donovan got his very first Mandarin short film and he is not sure if he should take up or not, cos he is not confident about the language.

Am still dreaming about my holiday trip to HK or Taiwan. Anyone interested in going?

Back to basic

This week goes rather fast, busy with full time works and outside works. Met up with Victor on Wed and discuss script, yesterday showed Ellery and Sharon my script. Not very good.

Ellery says that I need to do more research, watch more movies, script need to have a stronger theme, characters need to have difference.... He comments alot, the main point is that my script not good enough to be even summit for grant.

Rather sad after hearing, but am glad that I showed him. Ellery is very helpful and nice. He shares with me alot of details, give me pointers, guide me. Ellery and Sharon are both wonderful couple and as friends.

Okay, it's now back to basic for me. Have to go back to orginial storyboard. Hope to think of something during the weekend. Cos in order to get the grant, it's take 2 months to get feedbacks. Have to start from beginning and re-think about how my script and characters going to be like.

About full time works, locations researcher and art director leave the project already. So now, Jim and I have to do the duties which I think by the time Jim leaves, we only did 1 episode lor. I hate doing locations sourcing, it's a shitty and fuck up job. It reminds me of my credit cards days. Walking from place to place, smiling to strangers, sweet talking but professionally in order to get the locations for free... I just hate it.

However, no matter what, I have to do it. Cos I am the ONLY full time staff in the WHOLE FUCKING COMPANY and the bosses always like to compare the previous ones.

Mon, have to locations source in Serangoon (my place area, unfortunately, everyone will know my job liao), Ang Mo Kio, Toa Payoh and Bishan. This is silly.

*Think positively, maybe I manage to get locations? Nah... the most positive I can think of is that I don't have to go back office and can go home early and not wake up at 830am*

Actually now, my main concern is that how to write my script that at least Ellery will approves.

Updates

Well... nothing much happen... Company projects got delay, as per normal... Don't know when can start filming, which I don't wish that it will crash with my other plans...

Met up with Victor and discuss about my short film... he really help me by giving me creative juices and in my broken English. Finally wrote finish my 1st draft yesterday and now it's down to fine tunning. Chat with Rick Tan yesterday, told him about my short film and he shows interest... My idea and shortlisted "Chris"

Then had the very first meeting with Emida and Ellery the other project, lets just name it "60s". We had a great time throwing in ideas and they really can throw in creative ideas very fast. I am so glad to be involve in the project with them, cos I really like working with them and admire their works and attitudes.

Really hope that everything will go well for me and in my career starting this year end.

Jia You wor, Cherlyn!

Multi-taskings

Currently trying to multi-tasks, which is never easy for me cos I tend to lose focus easily. However, I do have some targets I hope to achieve by next year or within 2 years.

Target or wish list:

1. Promote the talents I find promising: Donovan, Hansel, Hansol, Victor
2. Produce a short film with the script writen by myself
3. Be a director for current company, at least direct a corporate video
4. Get to do projects overseas: Malaysia, Hong Kong, Taiwan
5. Find a boyfriend who can be my life-time partner
6. Earn enough money to make my parents not worried about me
7. Go for eye-correction laser
8. Correct my teeth
9. Be more tone
10. Gain more recognisation for my works
    

Some targets are rather hard to do but I will still do what I can to make it happens. I mean, if others can do it, why can't I? Of course, when it come to relationship, I just have to leave it to fate. I can't force a relationship to happen right?

Was talking to Sharon over the phone, she is right about one thing. I am still a little woman at heart. My main wish is to be able to find a life-time partner and be loved and pampered. Don't all woman wish for that too? Which woman wants to work forever? Being pamer and love is such a wonderful thing. Being able to share each other joys and sorrows is such a blessing and loving things.

Well... I just have to wish and hope for miracle to happen for my relationship. As for works, I have to fight for it anf stay focus. Whoever read this... wish me all the best and wish me success ok...

Old kakis

Was chatting with Donovan on the phone till 230am on Sat, then finally went to sleep. Got disturb in my sleep by Nat at first, sms me at 630am to ask me to go Ubin. I never reply, he called me at 11am again. This time he clever, he knows that I will not go, asks Chan and Vincent to talk to me. So in the end, I got no choice lor... Took a bath and travel down to Changi Village in cab. Bought beers and can drinks for them (they paid for it of course!)
Had fun chatting with them, catch up news with them. Miss working with Chan, Nat, TK, Vincent. Felt like a star in the beginning. Passed my mobile to Nat, wants him to take a photo of me and Vincent, then suddently, got 4 more other cameras taking our photo also. Hahahahaha.....
The new AD and intern kept getting scolded by Chan... so poor thing... but yeah, I think that they have to be more alert and productive lor...
First time go Ubin, don't have to work. Hang around and just drink with the crews.
Photos I took

Busy weekend finally

Had a great weekend... finally get to sort of enjoy and at least not bored at home rotting away. Met up with Sharon for dinner then went KTV pub at her friend's work place... her singing is great and she got powerful voice!

Then Hansol (my Korean friend) join us at around 12midnight, after he has check in to his hotel room. But we only meet up for food, then Sharon and I continue to go for our drinking sessions. Hahahaha.... I seems to drink more and more with Sharon around.
Sat, was spent at home, writing my script and doing some personal stuffs.
Sun afternoon, met up with Hansol from Korea. Had lunch at Wheelock Place then accompany him to buy some stuffs.



Afterwhich, went with Jeremy to see his editing.






What a weekend. Shoots got delay as per normal... haiz... I hate it man... Joey call me today to do Ubin BoyII shoots... wish I can do it cos got Chan and Nat and regulars... too bad I can't do it... :(

Updates

Went out with Donovan last Fri night, was rather nice to go out with him. First he came for audition at 7pm, then end at around 8plus. Went to eat dinner, then went to 2 different pubs to drink then last stop at the beach. Things are going rather smoothly between us, hope we can go far from there.

My eyes are badly affected by the haze that even without contact lens, they are painful. That's very bad lor, cos I look better with contact lens. The haze are so bad these days that I think the world is going to die lor.

My mobile phone is going crazy again, now I can only hear the caller when I put on loudspeaker. Which is stupid cos it's mean the whole world can hear my conversation lor. Decide to buy a new mobile phone after I got my pay at the end of the month.

360 finally pay me, after 6 months.

Hansel from Korea will be reaching here on Fri 12midnight, be meeting him over the weekend cos Sun he be flying back.

Tele-movies have been push back and company got another project coming up. Shoot on 31st Oct. I got the schedule plan out liao, nothing much for me to do. I not sure if I be staying in the company for long or not, cos I can't communicate that great with the boss (male) and moreover he will be the director for almost all projects. His ideas are so XXXX that I really can't believe that it can be shoot and don't think that it be nice on screen lor. Don't know lor... see how first.

Ok lar... that's all for the updates....

Weekend enjoyments

Had quite a fun and great weekend. Sat morning went Sentosa beach with Victor and Ignatiusm alothough we did nothing there and got rather bored (for me at least), it's nice to get away from the main city once in awhile. The haze was really bad and terrible that day but we still continue with our outing. After hanging out at the beach for sometime, we went walking around. I bought a new shade cos I lost my orginial one. Went to Vivo City and shop for awhile, I bought a new jacket that's costs $109 after discount. I like the jacket very much and have been dying to buy such design everytime I saw such jacket.

Then at night, meet up with Glenn. Had dinner at Sakai Sushi then bought drinks from 7-11, sit by the staircase and chat till 1130pm to catch the last bus. Glenn is a rather nice and funny person, very easy to communicate with.

Went back to office on Sun to do auditions, afterwhich went out with Sharon. Went to eat at PS, then hang out at TCC for afew hours. Then went to drink near Centrepoint area, Sharon recommended the place. I like the place. It's nice, relaxing, not many people. We ordered 2 bottles of red wines. Sharon actually is a nice and chatty person, different from the first time and impressions I had of her when I first met her on set. She can be a advisor and guidance with her years of experiences. We had so much fun talking and drinking. Part at 4am, then I decided to report mc at work today. Too tired and lazy to travel to work. Slept till 5pm then got woke by mum to wake up and eat.

Long time never felt so relax and drink so much liao. But spent too much money for the weekend, need to spend my money wisely before I get my pay at the end of the month, that's 22 more days to go. Haiz... Need to eat cheap foods again...

Long time friend

Met up with Donovan last night after 5 months, he still look as charming and handsome as ever. Business is looking good for him and he has been travelling to KL quite alot for the past few months. Had dinner with him at NYDC, talk to him about asking him down for audition, chat and gossipe about other issues. Then we went to drink orange juice at a coffee joint and chance upon Jim (current 2nd AD). Long time never chat with Donovan and listening to his speech and jokes always makes me laugh and joyful. Chat till late at night, then we share a cab whereby he sent me home first.
It's been quite awhile since I last flirt with another guy, especially someone so charming and handsome. Hahahaha.... Since my last relationship, I am always trying to smile but not from within my heart.
Thought of going to the beach this weekend but not sure if the rest is free or not. I need to release myself, enjoy and relax. I need to breathe properly. Need to find the real Cherlyn back before I turn into someone without any soul.
Can anyone help me?

Holiday anyone?

Life has been too boring for me... too boring... I am not the sort to call and ask friends to go out, so wait for friends to ask me out lor... which is just plain waiting.... after works and weekends are terrible and hard to past cos I got nothing to do.... always have to think of things to do to kill time just makes me miserable...

Have been thinking... current projects will end in mid Dec... will be helping Jeremy with his short film over 1 of the weekend in Dec before X'mas... then after that company should be going on a break... Thought of taking leave to go holiday... I don't mind going anywhere but don't wish to go alone... which I guess I will end up going holiday cos... guess I don't have to say much anyone can guess.... no boyfriend, friends busy... haiz....

Need to go back to the salon and redo my rebonding (free as agreed), cos after washing my hair, it starts to curl again. Normally, small rather invisible curls are okay for me (which always happen cos my hairs are very curly), but this time, the curls are alot and I wana get my money worth.

Ellery is so nice. I ask him to write me a testimonial and he really did (so fast) and mail it to my home. He is so nice to put in so much good words for me in the testimonial. Hahahahaha... makes me blushed.

I am bored! Very bored! Need friends! Friends, where are you? I am so free but no one ask me out. Why?

Another week has past

Second week in the company and left has been the same. Boring, tiring, depressions. 2nd AD has finally come in and after so many projects, so long, another guy as 2nd AD. Hoping that he doesn't turn up like CW.

He came online, then know that his grandfather pass away. Although I seldom talk to him whenever I went over to his house, but still got sort of communicate with him. I don't think I wana go to the funeral course I don't wana feel funny not knowing what to talk to him about and how to behave especially if his girlfriend is around.

Making myself busy nowadays, beside doing stuffs at own work, helping Jeremy with his project, helping Hansel in his portfolio. Just making myself busy untill I don't have the time to think of anything else. Is this the life I wan to lead? Sad? Lonely? Miserable? What's the type of life I wan? I don't know anymore... I am unsure... I am confuse... I am lost...

Motivations

Find out yesterday that the company is very new and green in terms of drama experiences. Explain to them that we need to get people to fill up some positions that's needed in the project so as to let the project runs smoothly. I sort of gain respect in here cos they see me as a very experience AD in the drama field. Now I need to get Art Director cum Props Person, Locations Researcher and Sponsorship Manager cum Conti on set. These have to be the people that I can trust and hopefully work with.
When I was interviewed, they told me that I be the 2nd AD for the 1st round, then yesterday they told me that I be the 1st AD instead and the orginial 1st AD will be my 2nd AD. What a change. So I guess they must have abit of trust and respect in me to let me handle lor.
I have not do any auditions yet, need to show Eric the photos then let him choose lor. I got kiv Fish. Hoping to be able to find a role for Hansol and Victor. Hansol asks me to be his agent in Spore, then I can have a cut out of his payment. Will be meeting him up next weekend to discuss about it, did asks him to help in Jeremy's short film. Need him to help us gain resources and permits in Malaysia. Victor takes part in Mr World Singapore 2006 and get into the top 12, last night got a competition, he won the Mr Personality award. So happy for him.
Realise that I am getting more into short films for the past few months. Went for screenings, met up with film makers etc. It's good in a sense cos then I can explore out of the tiny box of dramas. Hope to make my own film someday.

Start anew

Finally wrap the short film, being filming like madness for 4 days. 2nd project with Ellery and the same madness and rushing of locations happens. Although there are some hipcups, everything and everyone was wonderful. The crew are great! Although they are rather new, they are always willing to learn and teach what they know. They never complain about over running, delay meals time, having to work early the next day, tiredness... They are excellent. The production team rocks too! Need to credit them in my blog.
Crew: Looi Wan Ping (DOP), Glenn, Ismail (Soundmen), Yew Yee, Linus (Soundmen Assistants), Wei Ming (CA), Alex John Tan (Gaffer)
Production Team: Ellery (Director), Lynn, Jeremy (Producers), Kai Li (Art Director), Amos (Production Assistant)
As for me, I am the Assistant Director cum crew. Hahahahaha.....
Hope to work in another short film again with such great and cool team members.

New beginnings

Just start my full time job after being freelance since I left MW. Abit scary though, the whole company only 1 full time staff and that's me, alone with 2 bosses. Aiyo... no collegues, no people to gossipe with, no one to eat lunch with... This is sad... just wondering if I can "tahan" for 2 months or not.

Going to start shoot tommorrow for Ellery's short film, abit tight schedules but hopefully everything will run smoothly and not much hipcups. Everyone did a great job so far. Ellery, Jeremy, Lyn, Kai Li, Rey. All come together just to make this short film for free. Oh yeah! Thanks to Zachary for agreeing to act for me in 1 scene for free and I just ask him last night so more.

Had this feeling so this person, but not sure how he thinks of me. Well, leave it to fate.

All the best to the short film, my new company and my life.

Life vs Work

Have been rather busy these few days. Going to start filming this coming Friday and the main cast isn't confirm yet. My home pc is down and I got no money to send for reply or buy a new one. Can't do my schedules and send email out. Feel so helpless and useless.
Filmat36 call me up and we agree to try out for 2 months before going full time and I start work tomorrow. Which means I have to settle the short film schedules by today, which I am at my auntie's house doing it. To make my mood worse, she has no excel in her pc which I have to download it and it's going to take hours. Fuck lar! My life and work isn't going anywhere!
Have been so lonely at nights, getting sleepless nights....
My life and work sucks! No stable career, No stable income, No love life, No friends to go out with.
Feel like dying sometimes...

折磨

又是一个睡不着的一夜,我还是很想他. 不知道他现在过的好不好, 睡了吗, 在做什么, 他和她还在一起吗.... 我真的很难受, 再这样下去我会疯的! 这样的日子太折磨了! 或许这是个报以吧, 老天给我的惩罚. 难道我真的要孤独终生? 我很怕, 真的很怕.

Learn to let go

Realise that I sound too hateful in my last blog, maybe I just woke up or am feeling blue. Whatever... I was the one who said the word "lets break off", so in the end there is any regret its all my fault. All faults are mine, I can't blame anyone. At his life darkest moment, I wasn't there for him. It's too late to feel regret and to do any amendments now. It's all over. Let's just say I lost someone who really treats me like a princess, who pampers me, who loves me.
Suddently, I thought of this song by Tank, "给我你的爱"
等待　一点一滴　你对我感到安心感觉　朋友关系　有了新的默契便利商店里　谁也买不到我们最想要的东西　只握在　喜欢的人手上
给我你的爱　让我陪着你去未来给我你的爱　手拉着手　不放开就算宇宙爆炸　海水都蒸发只愿你的记忆里　有我的拥抱
我的　最大幸褔　是发现了我爱你灵魂　有了意义　用每一天珍惜
便利商店里　谁也买不到我们最想要的东西　只握在　喜欢的人手上
给我你的爱　让我陪着你去未来给我你的爱　手拉着手　不放开就算宇宙爆炸　海水都蒸发只愿你的记忆里　有我的拥抱
雨和天空也有　相爱的可能望着你的微笑　情不自禁
给我你的爱　让我陪着你去未来给我你的爱　手拉着手　不放开就算宇宙爆炸　海水都蒸发只愿你的记忆里　有我的拥
All the best to you and may you be happy always. I know that the new person in your life will loves you more than I do. I know she will pampers and be better than me. Actually, anyone is better than me.

Sleepless night

Can't seems to fall asleep for the past few nights, actually since filming ends. Lying on bed thinking of him, thinking of the times spend together. The more I think, the more upset I feel. He said he will loves me forever, he will waits for me forever, he will always be there for me... but barely broke off for less than 1 month, he got a new person in his life. All those things he said are all bullshits! Less than 1 month! I never had a change of heart. I never fall in love with another one. I am still single even after the broke off. He said he will wait for me! Look at all those empty promises! I hate him! I HATE HIM! HATE HIM! HE LIED!

3 For 1 Dollar

Just ended a meeting for Ellery's short film, it's the first time I am doing a short film. Rather refreshing and new, never do short film before. It's like can't afford to pay anyone, not even the crews, casts, production team members. Peiyun and Seng Kwang are nice people who are so willing to do alot of things for free. I am still learning and breaking my walls in doing things for free, like locations recee and finding sponsors. Am so used to being paid to do the jobs. Hoping that this short film will turn up fine for everyone, especially for me, I wana build up my portfolio.

So far, locations, sponsors, casts are mainly being covered. I just have to help in places I needed. Need to source for generator, crew van/truck, passenger van, some locations recee, food sponsor etc.

Overall, just making myself busy so that my mind will not wonder to other issues. Got a class gathering next Thur, not sure if I wana go or not cos the only thing I can talk about and am pround to mention is my work. Have no boyfriend or love life to say. Don't really know them well and moreover, I still remember that they don't like me in school times. Well, if Angeline not going then there is no point for me to go either.

When to see Ellery editing in the afternoon, the scenes and shots are done rather nice, though it's not my style. Some are either too dark in lighting or only the backshots are seen, however, I quite like how Ellery and the editor inputs and music choosen. Can't wait to see the final product.

I really hate night time, it make me think of him and how lonely I am without love. Just hate to be alone without anythings to do. Maybe it's time for me to sign up for SDC or some match make agencies.

New project anyone?

Only ended filming, it's only the 2nd day and I am feeling so bored. I am a real workaholic. Actually, I just wana work so that I can forget about those things and person I don't want to remember. I am still feeling so angry / mix up / unjustified over the matter. He said he loves me and will wait for me, but he found a new person in his life first! I went down on my pride by begging him back but he said "we are still friends". Bullshits! All the talks about waiting for me, loving me are all rubbish! I am so hurt! Just want to work like no tomorrow so I can forget about guys and love issues.

I am married to my works. I don't want to. I just want a normal relationship with the man I love. That's not difficult rite?

Am already 27, going 28 next year. When can I can a man who will be willing to marry me? I don't want to wait until all my friends got married and have kids and I am still single and looking. It will be too painful for me.

I am scared.... really scared....

Ended 12days of madness

Finally ended the 12 days of madness filming today. When Ellery shouted ''wrap'', everyone was rejoice and shouting hurray. I was abit stone then the ''wrap'' hit me like 10mins later, the I start to feel the pressure and burden lighten. Those 12 days was total madness and everyone's mood was at the worse. There was shouting, screaming, arguments, scolding, throwing tempers everything, but over all, everyone leaves the project without any bad feelings ( I hope).

When for dinner after filming in Holland Village. Emida, Shawn, Sharon, Ellery, Sharmaine, Karen, Men and TK joined. Alot of bitching, gossiping and laughters. Emida is so nice that she paid for the meal.

The other project with Ark Pictures is cancel, Dreamforest's project is delay. So now left with no project on hand and I am back to the waiting game. Meanwhile, agree to help Ellery with his short film while taking other afew days off thing kind of projects. Never do short film before, so I guess it's another new experience for me. Lucky, the locations and casting are almost settle. MR and locations breakdown are settle also. Just have to find out what other things I have to do lor after this Friday meeting.

Had great fun working in the telemovie. Emida, Ellery, TK, Karen, Sharmine, CJ, Jimmy are of great help. They help to lighten my burdens. Casts are great too. Really love the Selegie fighting scene course I sort of did the fight movement and stunt co-ordinations.

Emida is suggesting of holding a sneak preview of the movie before it's on air, with all the casts, crews, production teams. I am so excited! Will be going in to see the editing once in awhile. See how Ellery edits. Have not been in an editing suite for quite awhile liao.

Ahhh.... meanwhile I just take a break, rest well and fully charged my batteries before the next project starts. Have to do all my 12 days of production reports, do my claims, do the roller credits out tomorrow. Wed go office to pack the props and others, hand in roller credits, then I be off from the project.