Busy busy busy....

Started working in for just 2 weeks and realise that time isn't enough. Have to settle 2 projects pre-production by this month as tele-movie starts shoot 1st Aug. Not enough time liao. Have to double up as PM for both projects. It's challenging but pressuring.

Need to source for sponsorships, locations, facilities, auditions for casts, do out burgets, source for crews, rush writers for scripts... I only got 1 month!

It's Sat and am in office with assistant, having a string of auditions today and tomorrow. Weekends burn liao but am so used to it that I rather work on weekends and public hoildays. Karen is so new and green, but she can work. Lucky she never complain about buring her weekends, if not...

Hahahahah.... Ochre call me up to work as 1st AD for Untitled.... again.... Lucky am working here... Not that I don't want to go back, just that I find that it's a rather curse project. I hope to work in Ubin Boy season 2, miss the casts, crews, director, Ubin driver Vincent, those monkeys and wild boars running freely in Ubin.

Well.... whatever will comes will comes... The more I wish for the more it will not become mine. It's always the case.

What the hell with people?!

Had such a terrible and bad night, last night. Person just doesn't learn, a father already but just like to vent his anger anyhow, worse thing is it is his problem. Wants me to do something for him, do step A but he wants step B, when do step B he wants me to do step A. Am feeling so fxxk up that I just refused to talk to him. Mum tried to talk sense into him but... sign... does it help? I don't think so.

3rd day of work today, still have doen nd one things not settle yet. Only 2 persons woing in the project, really must make these 2 projects go smoothly. 1st time doing the work of a PM on top of my job as 1st AD, it's rather stressful and tiring. Now I know the shit and pressures Joey faces, there are so many things that I need to learn from her.

Lucky for me, I got quite a great and workable 2nd AD, who has been of help to me. Although she is still rather new and inexperience, she is willing toearn and handle anything I ask her to do.

Will be a battle field for me from now to Sept. Busy busy busy busy.... Travelling from my home to Holland Village is tiring, takes 1hr 30mins.

Full force

Going to start work soon in another 4 days. Got to handle 2 projects almost at the same time, something that I have never done before. The boss trusts me and I really hope to live up to her expectations. In somewhat a new postions with new responsiblity which I really want to perform well in. Got an intern who used to work with me in new projects. Hard sell her quite strongly to boss, hope that she can at least leave up to expectations for 70% I be happy liao. Quite scare that she not as fit as boss will think of her. Lucky I play safe liao, tell boss that she is a fresh grad so not much experience but can work lar. *cross my fingers*

Being single for 2 weeks 5 days liao, he still messages me telling me he misses and still loves me. Heartlessly for me, I don't feel anything. Really don't know how to react and reply so I just delete the messages without replying. I really hate myself for being so cold, so heartless, so ungrateful. Sometimes I wonder, am I fit to be loved? Sis tells me that the right man hasn't come into in my life yet, the man who I will love and belove. Maybe... I don't know... Am I still waiting for him? Or am I hoping to find someone who can be like him?

Being so eager to get any projects is because I don't want to be alone. Don't wants to have the time to think of any personal issues.

Well... life got to carry on regardless of what happen.

Happy!!!

After doing nothing at home and rotting away (since 27th May), I finally got projects to do! Am feeling so lucky that I got calls for projects. Will be doing 2 projects from July to mid Sept, then another project with another company from mid-Sept to Jan (if the rate is right). Wow! That's mean, I be kept busy for the next 6 months! That's good news and it's wonderful!
Another exciting thing I just know: my "brother", my mentor, is now Director / PM. Finally he is being recognise as Director. I always see him as a fit AD that I keep telling him he should be a director a long time ago. Hope to work with him again in his new position.
I am so happy and excited about my projects and the news that I feel so lucky. Hope that everything will go smoothly for the upcoming projects that I will be recognise like my mentor.
Cherlyn, you must work hard and smart okay.
Cherlyn, you must stay focus and get on form.
Go Cherlyn Go!

June 26, 2006 (wrote date in friendster blog. copy n paste over)

Happy Birthday

Happy birthday to Cherlyn. Another birthday passed, older by another year. Still trying to earn a living out there this world. Ended a relationship, hurt another person again, but I feel that my burden isn't that heavy anymore. I can breathe better and am happier. Feel so selfish by having all those thoughts. Sometimes, I really don't understand myself, don't know what I want in life. When there's work, will complain why I don't have any personal life. When there's no work, will complain that life is so boring by staying at home everyday.
Maybe humans are just so difficult to please. When someone treats you so good in the relationship that your best friend envys, you just have to find faults thats leads to break off. Always searching for a relationship that will bot happen or will not have any ending.
Going through this process whereby I am trying to understand myself, trying to understand others, trying to understand relationship, trying to earn a living... Really wants to say thanks to those friends who stand by me regardless of what happen, always supporting me and giving me advices. Thanks!
Will try to get my confident back soon.

June 12, 2006 (wrote date in friendster blog. copy n paste over)

Workahoilc

Ended project, have been staying at home, emailing resumes out, going for interviews... its really boring. I can't wait to get on production fast. Am a real & serious workahoilc since the age of 17. Starts to fall sick & get depress when not wking. Family complains that the amount of money I bring in is inconsistence, but I am doing freelance. How to be fix in income?
Am really tired of life. Am not the type to work in 9-5 jobs. Tried before, can't stand it, its just isn't me. :(
I need a job fast, if not I go crazy.

May 30, 2006 (wrote date in friendster blog. copy n paste over)

Hell is over

Finally finish filming of the 4 days of pilot shoot. There are so much stress, pressure, mistakes, problems, troubles during these 4 days of shoot. My time planning doesn't went smoothly. Rather upset in myself. Watever is the case, it's all over.
Hope that I can get a new project to do fast, if not I really have to worry about my next income.
My relationship isn't going anywhere, I don't know what's the problems. Maybe the whole problems lies in me. I don't know what I want. I need to do serious thinking. He really loves me but, it's just that I have no confident in myself and in any relationship. Maybe it's the past that hunts me, that's why I have fear in me. The fear is always there since my last serious relationship that's almost 6 years ago.
Been reading up on books regarding my fear, however, it's my inner self that's refused to open up.
Need to solve the problem fast, if not, this relationship will go down.

May 22, 2006 (wrote date in friendster blog. copy n paste over)

Questions in life

Health is getting better, can eat & sleep finally. Going to start filming next week, telling myself that things will turn out fine. Have a group of great collegues who make this project possible, without them I don't think I can do it alone. Collegues start to think that I am not working & I can't make it. Getting real useless in this trade that I need to be re-train. Getting a break after 27th May to nurse back my health & think about my future. How should I continue?where should I go? What should I do? Should I change trade? Need to get stable income cos I am not getting young anymore.

May 12, 2006 (wrote date in friendster blog. copy n paste over)

The world is going crazy

Find out recently that people can be so confusing and unsure... Going crazy at work that I don't really know what people want anymore. The whole project really drain my brain cells and health down. Good looking and good acting really to make a difference to everyone, everyone sees it so differently that I start to wonder is my taste as Casting Director so out that I am not fit? Should I continue in this field that I am proud of, that I have great passion in? I am not sure... Maybe someone can give me an answer...

May 05, 2006 (wrote date in friendster blog. copy n paste over)

What's life about?

Recently going some life crises. Getting serious depressions that I can't eat and sleep, only manage to eat a meal each day is no joke. Lose focus of my goals, my dreams, my motivations... going to lose my friends soon if I don't pull myself together fast. In my life darkest moment, I know 2 great new friends who really motivate and encourage me. 1 friend especially, Mr D, who I never one to lose. You taught me about life, laugh with me and let me cry on your shoulder.
Life is so unpredictable. Changes everyday, feelings come and go. "D", thanks for being there for me whenever I am unhappy and need someone to talk and joke with me. My friend, you will always be the one special "friend" in my heart.

April 24, 2006 (wrote date in friendster blog. a copy n paste blog)