为什么会这样？

我又哭了。到底发生了什么事？我疯了！已经分手了一年七个月，可是我还是很想他。想知道他现在到底过的好不好，现在变得什么样子，是胖了还是瘦了，现在做什么公，是否还是喜欢吃同样的食物，是否还是喜欢听那首歌，是否还是喜欢穿那件衣服，是否。。。

我真的很累，我想他想的好累，我不知道还要这样到什么时候。好讨厌这样的自己，这样的我。朋友都说我会找到一个更好的，可是我还要等到什么时候？等多久？我只是一个普通的女人，只想找个人来爱，来疼。

这样的等待是个折磨，是很痛苦。我的心在流血，已经慢慢没感觉了。我的泪已经满的可以装满一个杯了。我好无力。真的好想死去，一了百了。

What's up

Nothing much to update here. Still got alot more to do.

1. Auditions: still not found yet. Dying soon. Project starting in March, I need my casts! 加油！
2. Locations: nothing is done, except that we can mock up 2 locations at the new office and 1 location at Michael's house (again).
3. Sponsorships: Got only 2 confirm, still have alot more to find. Shit! Double shit!
4. Post for Mindy: only submitted up to Ep5, still have 8 more episodes to go. Die lar! Tomorrow airing Ep4 liao, need to do first!
5. Transfering copies in beta and VHS for Mandy: Should be able to settle that. It's not so much of hurry, lucky. Thanks Piao for understanding and been there when I screw up.

Just finish doing the payment for Mindy project crew, talents, extras etc.

Personal things to do:

• I need to tidy up my room this weekend, damn messy and I found ants on my desk. Not a good thing to see and discover, parents killing me soon. Can not let them know (hee hee).
• Buy new year clothes, shoes, bags, bedsheets etc
• Top up my FANCL products
• Rebonding: hair getting out of control
• Facial: need to destory my blackheads, can't stand it anymore
• Dental: need to do check up and go for polishing. Too yellow from all the smoking and drinking

I need my payment for last year soon, if not I can never do the things I want. Reach home at around 11pm plus today after helping Mary Ann with her audition recordings. The studio we went to at Millian Walk sucks! The services are bad, they are so fucking rude. Ban that place. Ellery came and help. After filming at the studio, we went to Mary Ann's house to record another piece. Went to eat dinner at Clementi, Botak Jones, really nice food and rather cheap considering the place is at coffee shop. After eating and bitching, went back to office and transfer tapes, this time Ellery did ALL the works cos I sucks at FCP. I really need to learn more about equipments and editing, all those technicial stuffs lar.

Yawn! 2:03am now, slept at almost 4am yesterday and woke at 11:45am. Eyes can not focus and open liao. Good night!

Fulfilled? No Changes?

It's Sunday today, another wekend has pass. Never did anything much, nothing much happen.

Friday after work, went to attend Jeremy's short film. Had dinner with Kai Li (art diretor for the short film). Victor (PA and cast for the short film) and Meihui before going to the screening. After the screening, went to drink beer with Jeremy, Bryan and Victor which only Victor and I drank. Jeremy and Bryan left early, leaving only me and Victor to continue to drink. Jeremy said my blog is always so depressing, so sorry, I don't know how to be happy and most important, I don't have any happy things or events to write about.

Sat night went to my auntie's wedding anniversay. Nothing much again.

作人真无趣，好闷啊！在电视上看和听到康康专辑里的这首歌，觉得很适合我，很喜欢。请大家到这个网站听一听，可能你也和我一样爱上这首歌。
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DF_K6LmQQco&feature=related Please watch from timecode 00:58 onwards

歌词是这么唱的：

你眼睛會笑　彎成一道橋　終點卻是我　永遠到不了 感覺你來到　是風的呼嘯　思念像苦藥　竟如此難熬 每分　每秒　我找不到　我到不了　你所謂的將來的美好 我什麼都不要知不知道　若你懂我　這一秒　我想看到 我在尋找　那所謂的愛情的美好　我緊緊的依靠 緊謹守牢　不敢漏掉　一絲一毫　願你看到

Moving on

Another new week, moving on to a new project. Have to start doing pre-productions for the new project, which am aiming to start filming in March. Telecast in June, so time line is very tight again. This Friday got to attend Jeremy's short film screening, then this Saturday got to attend my auntie's wedding aniversary chalet. Must collect my contact lens this week.

New Project:

1. Finish up 13 episodes of Master Rundowns and Locations Breakdowns
2. Start the round of auditons
3. Interviewing of interns starts tomorrow

Current Projects:

1. Continue with the post-productions stuffs and delivery (Hate that, but still have to do it).

Company might be moving to a new venue, unsure where. Gosh! The moving of everything in current office will be tiring cos there are alot of stuffs, with all those machines, equipments etc. I want to go holiday, I want to have a break, I want my payment (most important).

Black week

God! It has been a black week since Mon until today. I have not been sleeping since Mon, 9am. The final episode of the English Kids drama has been a problem and until now we are still solving it. The telecast date is this Sun! God! Fainting! Going to have heartache very soon. Have been keeping myself awake by

1. Brainwashing myself
2. Drinking alot alot of red bull and tea and coke

Don't know how long more I can hold on. Thought I can sleep early tonight but... sharks! Things have to happen and don't know what time I can sleep liao.

Aim to be home by 12am wth editor. *Cross Fingers*

In loving memory of Jimmy Nah - MC King

Singapore celebrity, Jimmy Nah, dead at 40Posted

SINGAPORE: Singapore celebrity Jimmy Nah, who is better known as MC King, has passed away suddenly. He was 40 years old. His friends told MediaCorp Radio that Jimmy had experienced breathing difficulties while at home earlier Friday. He was sent to hospital but died shortly after 1pm. It is not known if Jimmy had suffered from any health problems. But in the last entry he posted on his blog on 31 December, Jimmy had hoped for good health in the coming year. Local director Jack Neo, who had worked with Jimmy on several productions, said he was shocked upon hearing the news. "All along, he's very, very healthy. So, I don't know why. I seriously don't know why," said Jack Neo. Jimmy had acted in a couple of local movies, including Neo's "Just Follow Law", as well as local drama serials. - 938LIVE.

Life is really very fragile. Received this news while working in office. He is still so young and talented. I worked with him in afew projects, rather nice guy and friendly. Only 40 but god has to take him away. Maybe god had other plans for him in the other world.

Rest In Peace Jimmy.

Treasure those around you, my friends.

Sick

Been sick for 2 days already, with the flu, cough, sore throat and fever, I am feeling very weak and restless. Never report to work today cos I can't make, but will be dragging myself to the pole dance class later. Got to sweat it up and do work up. Will feel worse is I still at home the whole day doing nothing beside sleeping.

Tomorrow filming sort of cancel, still have filming for 1 re-enactment but without any crew. Guess I will be doing camera works, cos only have me, Michael and Meihui on set. Rather tired. I got to make plans and wishes for 2008, which I hope that they will come true and I can do them.

1. Go overseas for projects, get out of Singapore
2. Get new mobile, cos current one is driving me crazy
3. Get a digital camera
4. Get a laptop with everything install
5. Get new heels
6. Get proper bag for non-working purposes
7. Get better in health
8. Earn more money
9. Get new printer at home
10. Get a proper working desk at home
11. Go for hair remove
12. Rebonding before Chinese New Year
13. Study part-time cos on Media
14. FIND SOMEONE WHO LOVES ME AND I LOVE HIM. HOPEFULLY THE MR RIGHT WILL BE MY LAST BOYFRIEND AND WE WILL GET MARRIED AND LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER
15. Write and direct my own short film
16. GO FOR A HOLIDAY SOON. HONG KONG / TAIWAN

That's all I can think of right now. My headache is killing me. I am dying soon.

2008

It's 2008, happy new year to everyone. I got my first present at exactly 12 am the moment everyone starts saying "Happy New Year". I got flu and sore throat. Now my throat is hurting like hell.

What's so great about 2008? It's just another year past with another year ahead. Nothing great. My wish never come true. 2008 it's nothing great really. Still have to keep on working and working. I still don't like every moment of my life.

2008 soon

2 more days to the end of 2007. I felt that I did not achieve much. I don't feel happy at all in 2007, so I am not looking forward to 2008. Have been filming for the past few days, will be filming on 30th and 31st also. Not sure of celebrating or having any countdown. Have been feeling very down and depress lately. The only thing I can say that I should be proud of myself should be that I am more focus in Directing and Project Manager positions. I still hate myself.

HoHoHoHo...

It's X'mas eve tomorrow and I guess I be all alone. No one has invited me, which they all have to be with their other half. Working tomorrow, then after that I guess I will go straight home and hide myself.

What to do. No choice. Not pretty. Not popular. Not famous. Not thick-skinned enough to force myself to join their couple time.

I REALLY HATE X'MAS!

I HATE BEEN ALONE!

I WISH I AM DEAD!

I HATE MYSELF!

I AM DEPRESS!

I AM SAD!

DEAD!

Merry X'mas

3 more day to X'mas, another lonely festive season to spend. I shouldn't be thinking about it at all. I have things to do.

1. Sort out company working schedules fast and make it workable. Spend half a day doing it, but got rejected by the boss. Re-do.
2. Make sure all scenes are done by Dec
3. Post for 2 projects and 1 more project (final episode) for DF got to be done. No hipcups please
4. Make sure I receive my final payment from DF, although it's only $400, better than nothing
5. Crew and talents payment to be settle
6. Hoping to do another rebonding soon
7. Got to service my stupid handphone that off by itself
8. Hoping to get my very own personal laptop soon

What else? I really don't know. It's 214am and I can't sleep at all. So bored! Starting pole dance level 2 on 2nd Jan at 8pm. At least there's something for me to do and spend my time in. Got to start reading those 3 novels I bought ages ago. No motivation to read cos it's rather boring, lucky I bought it at only 3 for $2. Not so heartache.

X'mas coming

8 more days to X'mas and I am so aimless in my love life. I HATE CHRISMAS! It's a seasons of love and hugging around. I have been lonely for some many X'mas years, and I got to spend it alone again this year.

I REALLY TRUELY HATE X'MAS

Golden Horse Award 2007

Watched Golden Horse Award 2007, the 2 awards I been waiting the whole night, rescults out. Best Orginial script - Xue Ying never get it.
Best Male Actor - Gurmit Singh lost to Tony.
The rescults are rather expected but was hoping for miracle. Oh well, will be seeing Michael and xue Ying on Tue. I can be at least proud to say that I am working the writer who was normainted. I am proud to say that I worked with Gurmit and Xue Ying before, which means that their price has increase because of this.
Mon another day of filming, pray hard that I can finish all scenes and don't over-run too much. Then next week, I have to do Mandy Ep9 TX post stuff. Be back in Dream Forest again to settle music cue-sheet and final transcript (with the help of Tim)
Lalalala... Then I see when the 2 bosses finally come back, what they want me to do. Not filming for Mindy, then see what I can do for the post for Mindy and Taoshu.

Never easy

It's never easy been a Director, especially when you are the Project Manager also. At a certain point, I don't even find that my ADs are helping much but I know that they are trying their best. "They are still new and fresh". This is what I always tell myself before I want to yell at the or do anything bad. I was new and fresh once too and I still make mistakes even up till today.

It wasn't an easy day of shoot today but thanks to the support I got from my crew, I manage to shoot everything (I hope) today.

I need to re-think about what position I want to do again. I can't be an Assistant Director forever. Position I got to consider are Project Manager (I got to learn how to handle the budget and network), Floor Manager (rather boring), Crew (learn more about camera works, lighting, sound), Stunts double (which I can't do forever and I will need to practise more on my moves), Director (need to read up on more filming books and watch more hollywood old movies).

Due to this project, I know new crew and understand my crew better. Mark - very nice guy who is always willing to help everyone. Akhbar - funny guy who never fails to make me laugh and can handle all the lighting by himself. Bob - great person although I have not work with him when I direct. Harold - friendly old man who never fails to speak his mind. Jason Yun - the youngest of the crew, always coming to me for advise.

It' s late now, got to sleep. Woke at 7am, filming from 9am-930pm. Very tired. Today is another day I Director cum AD cum abit of crew.

Strive on

Today is my official first day of shoot as Director. Finally! I directed the whole entire day today and without anyone beside me to guide me and assist me. Although I started the first scene over-run, I am glad that I made it today. On the whole, I over-run and "drop" 3 short scenes (total 3 scenes is around half a page). BUT I manage to shoot alot of things and did alot of last minute shots that's not according to my "homework". At first, I really wonder if I can make it, cos there are interview-drama to shoot which are 7 pages long, but I just manage to did it. My crew gave me alot of support and assurance that I can make it as a Director. I just need to buck up on my communication, in giving artists on their acting.

Director is such tiring position and job also, different from what I thought. Everyone listens to Director's instructions and awaits for the shot to take. Wherethe or not the scene or shot turns up nice or not, also depend on the Director. If the Director lose focus or can't think of any shot suddently, then everyone will start to lose respect. I was rather pressure and stress that I can't give proper and clear instructions. I hate and scare to disappoint others who have expectations of me. I always give my best in everything I do but I am just a human, not wonder woman.

The moment I wrap, I was so dead tired. All the thinking and talking makes me so tired. Now I know why Michael always complained of not enough water to drink and sore throat. I kept drinking water today also. Been talking non-stop the moment I start filming for the day.

Next shoot on Thur, I just hope I can focus also. Not sure if what I shot can be edited and conti or not. Can't wait for Michael to come back, watch my shots and give me his comments. Got to go back Dream Forest again either tomorrow or Thur after shoot to check on emails and do paperworks.

Quote this from Larry in 80's Rewind

Larry

Wish me luck

Others

Luck!

So, wish me luck friends.

New favourite song

http://youtube.com/watch?v=IHitfRTxg4U
原唱者：羅志祥
我不會唱歌

這首為你點播的歌
如果我先哭了 怎麼唱到最後
是的 感情不是K歌
音階一字不漏 不見得感動

我也懂 拿麥的手不能顫抖
曾握著 就能感受你比我難過
誰寫的 歌詞那麼適合放手
我怎能捨不得

我努力唱完主歌　我忘了走音沒有　
我到底哭什麼　哭什麼 明明搞笑的

我努力唱好朋友　我忘了是誰哭了　
就算你不記得　這首歌 唱完的 是我

我努力唱完這歌 我忘了破音沒有
你心裏觸動的 下一首 已經不是我

我努力唱到嘶吼 我不怕剩我一個
只要你能記得 這首歌 給我最 愛的

Rainy seasons

It has been raining for the past few days or maybe weeks. I hate rain. It make me feel sad and depress and I don't know why. Could be I am feeling lonely cos festive seasons are coming soon. 2 more days and I be leaving current company and freelancing outside again. Next week onwards, I be Directing again. Until Mr Woo comes back on 10th Dec.

26 more days to X'mas and I am afraid of been alone.
33 more days to 2008.
I just hate it when I got no one special to spend the seasons with. What's wrong with me? Am I a freak? Am I really that ugly?

What's up

Life is so weak and uncontrollable. My best friend's grandma pass away on 17th, went to the funeral. My heart break when I saw my friend so skinny and weak. I did everything I can to help her, the rest is up to her. The life is her's, how she wants her fate to turn up is up to her.

Then I received news that a colleague's brother pass away on 22nd. It's so sad and depressing. So many people I heard about pass away.

5 more days to my last day with current company, I got to start bring my stuffs home. Next Tue onwards I be directing. Great! I have not read the scripts nor did anything yet.

A short film I am suppose to help up, started filming last weekend. Am suppose to help up lar, but am too busy with my own projects to handle. Moreover, I will have to take the limited rest or off days to really rest and relax at home.

Aching

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nngYqmulLJI
Check up this link, it's Mr Man singing. Hahahaha...

My whole body is aching and in pain from yesterday dance class. All the spinning and turning, leaves my leg with fresh bruises and injuries. This is so different from wushu. In wushu, I only get aching, but pole dancing I get aching, bruises and injuries. Got home late last night, not enough sleep. Now my eyes are red and painful. Have ktv tonight, I just wana go home and sleep. Yawn....

9 more days

9 more days before I move on to a new company. I communicate with the company boss though online and get my job scopes and rates settle down. Right now, I told the company AD to give me the projects updates, so that when I join the company, I know what to do and what to expect.

Be having my dancing class again tonight and then tomorrow night I got ktv with my 小弟，小妹們. Friday will be a day where I need to deliver datelines and chase datelines.

Got to update alot of stuffs in current project before I can move on. Dec and Jan is a period I got to handle 3 projects or maybe 4 projects at the bsame time. Cherlyn, you are behaving like a super woman again. I think I can say good bye to my holiday trips again. Almost 2 years without a proper break.