CNY

CNY is approaching and I hate it. I hate festive seasons. I hate it when I have to spend it without any boyfriend.

Photo taken on the last day of Kai Li's FYP. Let's see if I still remember their name. From left to right (1st row): Kai Li, Renyin, Qinyi, Yizhuang. (2nd row): ???, Fish, Me, Leslie (Ngee Ann), Alan (Ngee Ann).

Needs............

Been to quite afew interviews lately, so far no reply yet, except for one company. Ask me to be their location researcher, although the rate isn't bad but still I not really okay as researcher yet. It's not my comfortable zone as to speak. So I reject the offer but hopefully the company will keep me in mind should they need AD lor. Hoping to do AD for the feature film I went interview for. The interview I went this morning for the sitcome and drama isn't bad too. At least the company people know of lor.

Filmat36 been calling me asking me when can I start work... have been delaying and delaying... cos I wana try and do other company. *cross my fingers* hope 1 of the company call me 1st lor.

I really wana start work soon, so I will not think of other issues and stop my depressions fast. I need to have income coming in also. Have not given parents this month allowance and CNY money yet. Have to find money to pay for CNY buffet. Have to pay X.A money. Have to pay handphone bill. Shit!

I need motivation! I need love! I need someone to pamper me! I need friends! I need money! I need to find myself back! I need to stop hating myself!

Life

Have been bored with nothing to do at home since Kai Li FYP ended. Beside going for jobs interviews, film meetings, Jeremy's meetings my life is very boring and dying. Met up with Zavier and went to watch him play hockey which isn't the official plan but well... long story.

Last night, dad went crazy again. Came home drunk and start yelling at everyone. Really sick of this home, this family.

I find my life dying. I see no motivation in everything I do. I have no friends, no boyfriend to love me, no career to speak of, no money, no goal... NIL! NOTHING! ZERO!

I have to put on a smiling face everytime I go out, cos people only like you when you smile often. They say I look happy, but they don't know that my smile is very forceful and not from my heart. My smile is very PR and fake. My laughter and cheerfulness is all fake and force out. I don't know how to keep myself going anymore. I have live on this earth for 28 years and I am still a loser, a nothing...

I am scare. Scare that I will have to live alone by myself when old. Scare that I don't even have the money to buy myself a coffin. Scare that I will die with regrets.

Used to have so many goals and dreams which I don't know that I can fulfill or not.

I HATE MYSELF!

Sian Ah!

I am so bored! Got nothing to do! No one asks me out! Everyone is so busy except me. Where are all my friends?

No projects, no income, no life, no one to love me, no one to ask me out............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

I SHOULD BE BETTER OFF DIED. MY HEART IS DEAD. MY BRAIN IS DEAD. MY BODY IS DEAD. I SEE NO POINT IN LIVING ANYMORE. FORCING MYSELF TO SMILE IS KILLING ME.

NTU FYP Wrap

Its a wrap for Kai Li's FYP on 6th at 9pm. After 2 weeks of filming and long hours, it's done. Can't wait to see the final product.

Will be getting ready for Jeremy SH, filming in end Feb. Other than that, I got nothing to do liao. Boredom again. Got to find new projects fast.

Tiring week

Had a rather tiring but quite fullfilling weeks. 26th Dec'06 onwards, went to help in Kai Li's FYP. She has a great team with great team spirits. Everyone is willing to learn and do things. Kai Li has been having depressions during this filming periods. I don't know what I can do for her, so can only give her my listening ears and share with her what I had experienced through. Really wish that she can break through her walls and learn to take things easy.

That week was also involved in the feature film meeting, everything is going smoothly and great and according to plans. Am really very excited about the feature film.

Received a call from Filmat36 today checking about my schedule this month.Well, have to see the rates they can give me then I decide if I wana do or not.

Jeremy's SH might be postphone to Feb or March cos this month keep raining. Might be good idea also, cos I am rather tired and drain out from doing Kai Li's FYP.

Spent my New Year eve with B, he gave me flowers and a big poor bear. Really touch my heart.

Oh yeah... the photo I took at Donovan's office opening




I really like the dress I worn that day. Hope my friends who read my blog likes it too.

Wishes for the 2007

1. More jobs = more incomes
2. Become more beautiful (heehee)
3. Learn more things about filming
4. Direct my own stuffs
5. Peace and happiness to everyone around me
6. MOST IMPORTANT... FIND MY MR RIGHT

What's going on with my life?

Donovan is sick, has food poisoning. He says maybe it's got to do with his father food. He has sore throat too. Hope he is feeling okay.

Daniel is sick too. He has been working too hard this whole month that he don't have enough sleep and rest. The weather is bad too, maybe he is caught in the rain.

When Ellery's house last Friday, mention in previous blog that I known this new guy call Zavier. Did somthing that more than a friend will do. I feel bad but not that totally bad. Oh my god!

When out with last night with XXXXX. At first meet up just want to play pool and catch a movie. In the end, we went to eat at TCC, then went to play pool, then went to drink. Which in the end..... Oh my god!

This morning, Donovan call me up and asks me if did I went out with XXXXX. He isn't happy about it. He never mention why but he just tell me and make me promise him that I will not go out with him again. Haiz... What is going on to my life? Why has life become so complicated? If you don't want me to go out with others, then shouldn't you spend more time with me? Although I look super independant and capable but I am just a normal woman who needs company and someone to love. Why are you doing this to me? What have I done wrong that deserve this type of life? I am going crazy! I really hate myself! No one seems to understand my inner feelings at all. My heart is dead. It has stop beating for rather long time already. I am actually dead. My heart, my brain, all my nerve systems are dead. No one seems to be able to save me anymore. I don't even know if I want to be save or not. I am very sick of my life. Wish that any accident can happen to me and just let me go. Living is hell to me. All the guys I know seems to be wrong. All my relationships seems to go wrong. Don has a partner. Daniel is separted and blowing hot and cold towards me. Zavier... I don't know. XXXXX has a partner also. God! Why are you doing this to me?! Nothing seems to go right for me at all. Can you stop torturing me and just let me die. Just let me go. Please...

Body aching

Went to Ellery's house for the party he held. People I know like Wan Ping, Rosa, Jeremy, Glenn, Lyn, Jesz, Gillian... were there. Get to know alot of people not from this industries also. Unfortunatly, it rain twice. So we were like carrying everything up and down the BBQ pit and carway twice. I was in my skirt and heels lor, so although I wana carry alot but I have to limit myself.

Never eat much, cos as those who know my pattern, I don't wana eat too much in party whereby I am afraid the others willnot have enough to eat. Moreover, I eat rather ugly and unglam, so don't wana let others see. So to cure my hunger, I keep drinking lor. Keep drinking with a new-found friend, Zavier. A rather cute and fair guy.

Then the security guard and police came, all of us move to Ellery's house. I played computer games until 3am.

Woke up at 8am, Daniel sms me that he is sick so can't meet me today. Rather disappointed and sad but well... his health is more important. After sms-ing, I went back to sleep again and woke at 2pm. Whole body is aching. Actually, my legs and arms ache the most. Don't know why. Seems like I have been to the gym the whole of yesterday like that.

Haiz... Don't know when can meet Daniel again. He is so busy.

Wonderful day

Had such a rush Wednesday and Thursday. Got a call from Don on Wed morning inviting me to his office opening on Thur afternoon. Actually I plan to do some shopping and personal stuffs on Thur afternoon before my dinner appointment at night, So plans changes.

On Wed, I went to did Xmas shopping for then did my nails then did my hair. So by the time I reach home, I was rather tired. Maybe I sit too long when I did my hair or I shopped too much (I hate shopping by the way).

Woke up at 9am on yesterday, sms with Daniel. Then prepare to go to Don's office. Stayed there untill 7pm, afterwhich I went to meet Angeline at 730pm. She was late, as usual. Reach Daniel's restaurant at 830pm. He was so gentle, nice, loving, caring, shy, soft-spoken.... He is just too great! Hahahaha.... Angeline asks me if I am finally going to fall in love again after my last sadness. I am not sure. Really depend on fate.

Have been always sms-ing with Daniel everyday. Lets just leave it to fate.

Got another dinner appointment tonight at 830pm then Angeline's friend, Tommy, asks me out (with Angeline around of course). Meeting Daniel tomorrow. Daniel took the photos for us. He says my dress is rather translucent but Angeline says its okay.

Any date for me?

X'mas is appraching, only 4 more days. Will there be anyone celebrating with me? Got to know this Italian guy, have been sms-ing. Quite a nice guy. Will anything happen to our relationship? I don't know. Leave it to fate. This is the Italian guy, Daniel. Photo rather blur.
Here's another one.

Then got to know another foreigner from Africa, name Prince Hart. No photos of him. Also a rather nice guy but have hard time communicating with Prince. His English isn't good and I can't speak his language, so we have to use sign and hand language most of the time.

Sharon and Victor was teasing me about the guys from different countries chasing me. Hahahaha.... I am not popular nor pretty. Just that I don' know why, that's all. Sharon asks me to get married fast. Hahahaha...

I just want simple love, am a simple woman to start with. Bless me my friends.

Festive Seasona

It's getting nearer and nearer to Dec festive seasons, X'mas & New Year. It's suppose to be joyous and happy but how can I when I know that I am going to be alone. Friends will be celebrating with their loved ones and family. As for me, I have no party to attend, no one invite me out yet. Feel so lonely and sad. Wishing for the special someone to celebrate with me. It's been rather long time since I last feel the happiness of love and being pamper.

Is there anyone out there, who loves me and is going to spend the rest of my life with me?

I really need love and being pamper. However, my feelings now is more to leave it to fate. I can't force love to happen. If it's meant to me mine, it will be mine.

Freelance

It's official! I am back to doing freelance again starting from today. So friends and colleagues who read this blog, please do keep me in mind should you have any projects for me to do. I need the income and I need to work again. Have been sending resumes and sms out... *cross my fingers*

On un-paid leave

Just talk to female boss, since I got nothing to do in office, i might as well go on leave untill the projects are more fix. No point in me coming to office, play computer games untill it's time to go home or lunch. Then sometimes, the male boss gets hot temper over very small issues. Don't wana stay in office and listen to him scolding his wife or even worse, I kana scolded for no reasons.

Just as well, so I be working untill 6th, this Wed. Meanwhile, I be looking out for other projects to do. If other projects more stable and confirm, then maybe I will not even do Filmat36 projects at all.

Life has been so boring without any colleagues in office. No smoking kaki, no makan kaki.

Last Fri, met up with Serene. Quite nice and fun kid (I mean she is only 17, so of cos kid lor). Weekend was rather boring and got nothing to do. So sian.

Can't wait to go on leave and start other projects.

Working environment

It's was Jim's last day yesterday, he is happy and glad, I am sad and disapppointed and lonely. Am without any colleague again, have to eat lunch alone, smoke alone, no one to gossipe with me. Male boss is getting more and more irrating and I am so piss of him. I thought I am the only one, Jim can't stand him also, which is why he is so glad to leave the company. I am urgently finding another project to fall back on so that I can leave by giving a weeks notice.

All the things and paperworks I did are so simple and easy to read, just don't understand why he keep saying "I don't understand", "I don't know how to read", "I don;t know how to see". Either he is stupid or he wasted his 20 over years not improving at all. The paperworks I did, everyone who work with me before all understand and know how to read. What is he problem man?!

I really need to leave the company soon and go back and do freelance again. Just can't stand people who is so full of themselves and never improve.

Ahhhhh... am so lonely in office... so sick of facing the husband and wife bosses... I want to leave the company and start to breathe again...

Boredom

Am so bored! Died of boredom soon. It's Friday, both bosses are overseas, Assistant not in office (locations sourcing by right), so I am all alone in office since 11am. Actually, I can don't bother to come in but in case bosses call to spot check or something, I'm not in, then I kana liao.

Finally watch "Cabaret", a rather nice and enjoying musicial show, which makes me look forward to the one Ellery, Emida and me are preparing.

Have not really start on my short film amendment script yet after talking with Ellery and Sharon that night. Don't really know how and where to start. This always happen to me. Sian ah.

Helping up with Ngee Ann Poly and NTU FYP (foc again). Donovan is so stress up with Ngee Ann script cos he has to speak in Mandarin which he has never acted in Mandarin before. Am helping him with that, really hope that he can gain more confident in speaking in Mandarin so that in future he can act in Chinese show (although I don't like Ch8), in a way he can gain more recognisation for his acting. NTU wants Donovan also but it's rather tiring and no income to do 2 short film within the same month or close to each other.

Jim will be working till 30th Nov, then it will be his last day liao. Cos bosses don't think we can shoot anything in Dec, by Jan Jim is preparing to leave for his overseas studies. I be left alone with no colleagues again in Dec and Jan. It will be so boring and sian to face bosses only everyday. This is sick. Contract till Jan, but should there be project for me in Jan, I will leave in Dec. TVCs and Documentarys just isn't for me. I need to be in action, running about, packed with works. Paper works, co-ordinatings, calling up are just so executive. Am falling sick staying in office everyday, neck and shoulder are aching for facing with the PC for hours. Have to start looking for projects for next year liao, so that I can leave in Dec.

Still praying hard that I can start filming my short film by March... maybe by June lar...

It's been almost 5 months since I broke off... feel so lonely... feel that life has no meaning for me... when will my Mr Right comes and sweep me off my feet? Where are you my dear? I wana hug and kiss you my dear. I really need someone to love me, pamper me, clean my tears away, be with me, by my side. Haiz... am I going to spend Dec festive alone again? Without any boyfriend? I have been through those period, am really scare of the feeling. Why is all this feelings coming to me? Why? Can anyone give me an answer?

Bored and sad

Well... getting more and more impatient of current company. Sign a 3 months contract with them instead of fulltime, cos they can't agree on my rate.

Nicholas is coming back on Sat, 18th. Long time never see him liao. Wonder if he has put on weight or lost weight. Will be auditioning him on Mon, then go for dinner. Can't wait to see my long time buddy.

I am so tired... am so bored... friends always not free... am getting more and more forgetful... so sian...

Kai Li told me over msn recently that I am always bossing her arounf on set, I tend to talk like ordering people. I didn't realise that, have to change on that. If not all assistant don't like me liao.

I can't think of ideas for my script, brain very dead. Don't know where to start writting. Am so slow in my script. Can die...

I need motivations... Miss going out with friends... Am someone who is very afraid of loneliness

Updates

Well... just a short recap of what I did last week.

08th: Met up with Victor to discuss script, always have fun meeting him. He is so chatty and so full of ideas. Went Marina Square and eat, which I forgot the restaurant name. Restaurant rather nice and server rather good too.

09th: Met Sharon at City Hall, had dinner then chat until Ellery joins. Afterwhich, we went Arab Street, they bring me to this place that I will never go alone to smoke this pipe tinky that I forgot what's its called. I don't really like it so I only smoke 2 puffs. Showed them my script, alot of comments and changes. :( Need to rewrite again.

10th: Met up with Jeremy at PS and had dinner at a Japanese restaurant. Afterwhich, we went for a drink at Room Full Of Blues at Prinsep Street. Order a jug only cos he can't drink much, so sian lor. Actually, I wanted to wait till Ellery and Sharon joined us after their lan game but Jeremy is so tired that he just wana go home. So we left lor, I will not want to be alone in the pub and wait lor. Felt rather bored and still wana drink so more, so called Daniel (who is still awake) and went to his house and drink, chat, play poker cards. Stay on till 6am then go home.

11th: Gillian's birthday. Went to eat at Swensen beside Paragon. People I know who turn up are: Ellery, Sharon, Jeremy, Glenn, Jim and Amanda. Over 20 people turn up for her birthday. Wow! We surprise Gillian by giving her a cake (which is as hard as a rock) while she is eating half way. She almost cried. After that, went pub with Ellery, Sharon and Glenn. Nothing much happen cos I don't really know the other half of the group who are there. So I just sit with Sharon, who is protecting me and taking care of me like an angel. Hahahaha...... Ellery sent me home after that, so nice of him.

13th: Should have gone for locations sourcing, but it rain when I just reach the first location. Worse thing is, I fell and sprain my right leg. So unlucky. Then I just go home and never go out liao cos I got fever suddently also.

I think that I sort of repeat myself in the updates. Did I? Forgot liao. Aiyo... getting old liao... keeping forgetting things and issues.

Company got another project in which as usual, I am involve. Have talk to lady boss today, decide to go for another 3 months contract cos they can't pay me the rate for full time. So until 12th Feb lor. Well... at least don't have to worry about finding projects every month lor.

I need a life. I need friends to company me. I need boyfriend (as in normal relationship). Donovan got his very first Mandarin short film and he is not sure if he should take up or not, cos he is not confident about the language.

Am still dreaming about my holiday trip to HK or Taiwan. Anyone interested in going?

Back to basic

This week goes rather fast, busy with full time works and outside works. Met up with Victor on Wed and discuss script, yesterday showed Ellery and Sharon my script. Not very good.

Ellery says that I need to do more research, watch more movies, script need to have a stronger theme, characters need to have difference.... He comments alot, the main point is that my script not good enough to be even summit for grant.

Rather sad after hearing, but am glad that I showed him. Ellery is very helpful and nice. He shares with me alot of details, give me pointers, guide me. Ellery and Sharon are both wonderful couple and as friends.

Okay, it's now back to basic for me. Have to go back to orginial storyboard. Hope to think of something during the weekend. Cos in order to get the grant, it's take 2 months to get feedbacks. Have to start from beginning and re-think about how my script and characters going to be like.

About full time works, locations researcher and art director leave the project already. So now, Jim and I have to do the duties which I think by the time Jim leaves, we only did 1 episode lor. I hate doing locations sourcing, it's a shitty and fuck up job. It reminds me of my credit cards days. Walking from place to place, smiling to strangers, sweet talking but professionally in order to get the locations for free... I just hate it.

However, no matter what, I have to do it. Cos I am the ONLY full time staff in the WHOLE FUCKING COMPANY and the bosses always like to compare the previous ones.

Mon, have to locations source in Serangoon (my place area, unfortunately, everyone will know my job liao), Ang Mo Kio, Toa Payoh and Bishan. This is silly.

*Think positively, maybe I manage to get locations? Nah... the most positive I can think of is that I don't have to go back office and can go home early and not wake up at 830am*

Actually now, my main concern is that how to write my script that at least Ellery will approves.

Updates

Well... nothing much happen... Company projects got delay, as per normal... Don't know when can start filming, which I don't wish that it will crash with my other plans...

Met up with Victor and discuss about my short film... he really help me by giving me creative juices and in my broken English. Finally wrote finish my 1st draft yesterday and now it's down to fine tunning. Chat with Rick Tan yesterday, told him about my short film and he shows interest... My idea and shortlisted "Chris"

Then had the very first meeting with Emida and Ellery the other project, lets just name it "60s". We had a great time throwing in ideas and they really can throw in creative ideas very fast. I am so glad to be involve in the project with them, cos I really like working with them and admire their works and attitudes.

Really hope that everything will go well for me and in my career starting this year end.

Jia You wor, Cherlyn!

Multi-taskings

Currently trying to multi-tasks, which is never easy for me cos I tend to lose focus easily. However, I do have some targets I hope to achieve by next year or within 2 years.

Target or wish list:

1. Promote the talents I find promising: Donovan, Hansel, Hansol, Victor
2. Produce a short film with the script writen by myself
3. Be a director for current company, at least direct a corporate video
4. Get to do projects overseas: Malaysia, Hong Kong, Taiwan
5. Find a boyfriend who can be my life-time partner
6. Earn enough money to make my parents not worried about me
7. Go for eye-correction laser
8. Correct my teeth
9. Be more tone
10. Gain more recognisation for my works
    

Some targets are rather hard to do but I will still do what I can to make it happens. I mean, if others can do it, why can't I? Of course, when it come to relationship, I just have to leave it to fate. I can't force a relationship to happen right?

Was talking to Sharon over the phone, she is right about one thing. I am still a little woman at heart. My main wish is to be able to find a life-time partner and be loved and pampered. Don't all woman wish for that too? Which woman wants to work forever? Being pamer and love is such a wonderful thing. Being able to share each other joys and sorrows is such a blessing and loving things.

Well... I just have to wish and hope for miracle to happen for my relationship. As for works, I have to fight for it anf stay focus. Whoever read this... wish me all the best and wish me success ok...