懊脑

7月15日
新期天
时间：6点30分
地点：工司

做人真辛苦，当拥有的时候却不珍惜而失去的时候却后悔。那一天如果我没一时冲动而跟他分手的话，或者我现在就不会那么孤单，也不会把工作来麻醉自己。

真的很想他。不只道现在的他是否比和我在一起的时侯更开心？我现在的心情，不爱歌手不过爱她的歌词。

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n4CVnmz_OGs

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eYzKnv7pyCI

我这几个月的心情和心声

習慣
歌手：楊丞琳 作曲：陳忠義填詞：陳忠義 編曲：林從胤

分手已經兩年半　我們再度向寂寞取暖 沒有牽掛和不安

＊失去彼此的陪伴　我們學著將回憶剪斷　拒絕想念的試探
　曾經以為總會找到　說服自己的答案　情緒卻在風浪平息後　被一通電話打翻＊

＃我已經漸漸習慣　忙碌把生活填滿　和自己分享晚餐　試著活得更理所當然　我已經漸漸習慣　對感情順其自然　只是我還不明白　失去你的天空　為何看來不那麼蔚藍＃

REPEAT＊＃

相愛到了解的默契　怎能說忘記就忘記 我想我已經習慣你

REPEAT＃

Terrible feeling

Same thing happen to me yet again, gastric flu is back. When I was bathing this Morning, vomited even when i had only mushroom soup and black coffee last night and nothing this Morning. The few seconds of my vomit was a horrible feeling. I felt my whole stomach cramp together and I can't stand up.

This is not good. It's not worth to die because of projects.

God!

I am still working in office. God! Been working since 10am and it's almost 1am now. Tomorrow still need to go MCS at 10am. I want to sleep! I want to rest!

Thanks Bee! For staying in office with me even till now. Love you babe!

Mad rush

Filming for sitcom is going to start soon, have 7 more days to prepare. Still have dozen and 1 unfinish stuffs. Ahhhhhh...... And the remainding 7 days are so super packed!

Tomorrow: Auditions for SG at 1030am and 2pm. VO recording for Mandy at 530pm. In between have to settle scripts for Mandy. I have not read any Mandy scripts yet. Shit!

Thur: 4pm onwards, Mandy meetings

Fri: Settle all things for SG

Sat: Check props in the Morning. Afternoon SG imaging

Sun: SG rehearsal

Next week, I only got 2 days left to settle ALL SG items to prevent any hipcups.

Then 18th onwards, hell of filming. My filming days are like film 1 day then off 2 days, then film 3 days off 1 day, then film 2 days then off 2 days, then film 1 day off 4 days, then film 5 days then off 1 day, then film 1 day again. Total got 13 filming days.

The other round will be like film 3 days off 7 days, then film 1 day off 1 day, then film 4 days off 5 days, the film 1 day off 1 day, then film 3 days. Total got 12 days. But main thing is, in between got more breaks than mine, so that's make me has no time to do any last minute changes or watever.

Then Mandy filming starts from 18th Aug onwards. Lalalala.... I be taking a break or rather 1 month holiday ( I hope ) after SG & Mandy wraps. Nov still got short film to do. 天啊！ 我又当烂好人了！Cecilia, Bee, Zhao Min keep telling me to relax and warn me 有钱没命花. I know... I know...

Am aiming to finish current on hand projects, and then after that focus in finding a boyfriend.

Bless me!

Heart is bleeding

Have been making myself busy with works ( 2 projects on hand) and reading on novels. However, the more I make myself busy, the more my heart ache. I miss him... Out of all the ex-boyfriends I had... I miss him the most.

I cried afew nights ago... I went back to the places that we went before... I even went his house nearby... Don't know why I did that, maybe I am hoping that I will get to see him? But I will kill myself if I saw him with his current girlfriend. I don't know what I am doing. Am very tired. Waiting for the next special someone to touch my heart and sweep me off my feet.

I miss you... Not sure if you will be able to read this blog or not... but I just want to say out my thoughts... The real feelings and words from my heart... I really miss you... Tok...

Alone in office

It's Sunday and I am back in office working. Need to finish up the works that I can ASAP before filming starts for Sitcom. Just finish doing the timeline and schedules for Kids Drama.

Sort out the names to be summit for going to MCS. Print out scripts for Coeway. Call Artists and remind them that I did book them for rehearsals and photo shoots. Still have alot of stuffs to do. Have not eaten anything yet. So busy that I am not even hungry.

Just wana come in here before I resume works again.

No time out

Yesterday will be sort of the end of my relax periods. Reach office at 1030am, trying to finish my Sitcom stuffs before I be packed for the Afternoon. Had lunch at 1230pm, then 1pm had meeting with Art Director for the Sitcom. Afterwhich, another meeting at 3pm. This time it's for the Kids Drama. The meeting ended at almost 6pm. Sent afew important emails out before rushing off to meet Angeline at 7pm.

Had arrange with her to watch Spider Lillies. Rainie Yang's acting has improve, it's not her usual Idol Dramas that she normally do. The movie is great, it's the type of movie that I will direct and of my style.

Reach home at almost 1230am. Bath, read novel, relax for awhile. After reading Paulo Coelho's The Alchemist, I bought Eleven Minutes and By The River Piedra I Sat Down And Wept. Finished reading By The River Piedra I Sat Down And Wept last night, will start Eleven Minutes soon. I think I will start to buy Paulo Coelho's whole collection, don't know why but like the way he wrote and his style. His other novels are The Pilgrimage, The Valkyries, The Fifth Mountain, Veronika Decides To Die, Warrior Of The Light: The Manual.

Enough of side tracking, so after I read finish, I start doing the timeline and schedules for the Kids Drama. I start at almost 330am, after reading, went 7-11 and buy drink and afew smoke breaks. By the time I am sort of too tired to continue the schedules and wana sleep, it's 1230pm. Had actually wanted to sleep but came out of my room and just switch on the pc, continue working until Mum asks me to eat lunch with her at 130pm.

I am so freaking tired now that my eyes can barly open and forcus. Haiz... I just hope that I can do the Sitcom and Kids Drama properly and smoothly. Yawn...

My schedules so far
Sitcom
19th June: View casting tapes at 11am and 2pm
20th June: Rehearsal 4-7pm
21st June: Rehearsak 9am-12pm
22th June: Imaging at 10am
2th July: Photo shoots from 10am onwards
3rd-5th July: Rehearsal from 1pm onwards
6th July: Imaging at 10am
15th July (SUNDAY!!): Rehearsal from 130pm onwards
18th July-19th Aug: FILMING STARTS

Kids Drama
June-July: All 13 episodes scripting to be in
Aug-Sept: FILMING
Oct: Delievery

• Need to get AD in by July
• Need to summit timeline and schedules by 18th, that's coming Mon
• Need to form my team
• Need to organise meetings (internal & external)
• Meet sponsors
• Meet Kids Central people

So, dear friends, after reading my schedules. If I cancel appointment with you, I am sorry. I think, if you all don't mind, I can meet late at night. When my eyes can't focus on the pc screen anymore. Hahahaha.... Thanks all for now...

Bintan Photos

The party that went for the trip.

Taken on the last day, behind is the swimming pool and the beach.

In the pub on the 2nd night.


The villa that we stayed in. It's big and nice with super clean fresh air.


The vehicle that we traveled around the resort.


The tap in the toilets. So cute! So cool!

Bintan Trip

Had a great time in Bintan over the weekends. Arrived at Bintan resort at 11pm, went walk around then ordered dinner room service.

Spent the next day in the beach, playing banana boat and snokling. Then laze on the beach. It's been a relaxing and enjoying weekends for me. Will upload the photos soon.

Am waiting for the next holiday trip.

Your past life diagnosis

This is what I was in previous life.

I don't know how you feel about it, but you were female in your last earthly incarnation.You were born somewhere in the territory of modern Northern England around the year 1125. Your profession was that of a digger, undertaker.

Your brief psychological profile in your past life:
Person with huge energy, good in planning and supervising. If you were just garbage-man, you were chief garbage-man.

The lesson that your last past life brought to your present incarnation:
You are bound to solve problems of pollution of environment, recycling, misuse of raw materials, elimination of radioactivity by all means including psychological methods.

Thanks!

Last night, went to eat dinner with Ellery and Sharon. The dinner was great, afterwhich we went Liquid Kitchen at Serangoon Garden. They are so nice, gave me a mini birthday cake, a brownie actually. Thanks!

Then just went lunch with colleagues, they gave me one of my dream present. A Nokia 7373 in the color I love, PINK and a PINK pouch. I am so touch that I actually cried. So embarrassing. Ellery and Sharon trick me, I never expect tham to pool money in for the present also.

Thanks to everyone!

Michael, Canter, Glenn, Jenny, Piao, Chau Min, Bee Bee, Avril, Theresa, Sam, Sharon Wong, Ellery.

THANK YOU! LOVE YOU ALL!

Disappointment

Things just don't fall in place the way that I wish. Have to reject THAT company 2 projects cos I have already agree to do current company another project as PM. THAT company boss was disappointed and I hope that she isn't angry with me. I really wana do your's but the offer came rather late I guess, and the PM job is offer to be since 2 months ago. I have the reply to them postphone until now. Well, I can't offend current company and risk having my name and reputation at stake I guess.

So I am stuck until Nov, told THAT company boss that I will go over as soon as my projects wrap. I really hope to work with the boss again.

Too many things happen at the same time for my career, I am sometimes at lost of what to do.

Quotes for thoughts

Was reading a book last night, find it very meaningful and brings lights to my life. There are some quotes that I like and of meaning to me. Thanks to Kai Li for recommending the book to me. Here are some quotes I like from the book THE ALCHEMIST BY PAULO COELHO.

"What's the world's greatest lie? At a certain point in our lives, we lose control of what's happening to us, and our lives become controlled by fate."

"If you start out by promising what you don't have yet, you'll lose your desire to work toward getting it."

"The secret of happiness is to see all the marvels of the world, and never to forget your roots."

"When you want something, all the universe conspires to help you achieve it."

"People need not fear the unknown if they are capable of achieving what they need and want."

"When you want something with all your heart, that's when you are closest to the SOUL OF THE WORLD. It's always a positive force."

"If you pay attention to the present, you can improve upon it. And, if you improve on the present, what comes later will also be better. Forget about the future, and live each day according to the teachings. Each day, in itself, brings with it an eternity."

"It's not what enters men's mouths that's evil. It's what comes out of their mouths."

"One is loved because one is loved. No reasons is needed for loving."

"Listens to your heart because wherever your heart is, that is where you'll find your treasure."

"Your eyes show the strength of your soul."

"If a person is living out his destiny, he knows everything he needs to know. There is only one thing that makes a dream impossible to achieve: the fear of failure."

"When we strive to become better than we are, everything around us become better, too."

"Life really is generous to those who pursue their destiny."

From the quotes above and after reading the book, I have come out with this thoughts.

"Keep your thoughts positive, because your thoughts become your words.

Keep your words positive, because your words become your behaviours.

Keep your behaviours positive, because your behaviours become your habits.

Keep your habits positive, because your habits become your values.

Keep your values positive, because your values become your destiny."

I NEED MONEY!!!!!!!!!!!!

Today whole office only me, casting director and account lady working only. So sian. Just went to Bugis, bought some more FANCL products, costs me $400. Shit! Spent too much liao. Need to really save and spend less for the rest of the month until next pay cheques come in. Paid Sam the money for Bintan trip also. Shit! Double shit! 1st day of the month and I am going broke.

Okay... my greatest and best birthday present is MONEY. Should any of my friends out there who read this and stil don't know what to give me... you know what I really need and want lar... Beside BOYFRIEND. Heeheehee.......

Vesak Day

Tuesday night, while having dinner with Ellery and others, current company AVP call me and tell me that as for June onwards, I will be paid the other project money also. Hahaha... I have not agree to do and did not even sign any contract and she confirm me liao. It's the sky high rate that I ask for and she agree to the rate, so what else can i say. Unless THAT company I have been waiting pay me higher lor. Hahaha...

Yesterday, went to watch Shrek 3 with Victor. Quite a funny story with the ususal "happily ever after" fairytale. The guy beside me was rather irrating, with him laughing at even points which are not funny or sad points like the father in-law died. After watching, went to do abit of shopping, bought a sweat pant, gym bag and a knee support (for my training). The knee support I got the wrong size, need to exchange. Hopefully can be exchange.

Haiz... No one seems to be in office today. All I know is that AVP on leave to do personally stuff, Casting Director will reach before 12pm course got auditions. Later 3pm I got meeting with 1 of the Director.

Wanna watch MEN IN WHITE next week. Anyone interested?

What should I do?

Current company AVP just talk to me, she wana book me for the next project ASAP and other projects. If I agree then I be working for another 6 months staring from Sept, that's mean Sept to Feb. Aiya, I am still waiting for that company reply. That company boss says she will reply me next week. If that company offer is good, then how? Aiya. Haiz... But secretly I am very happy course I have been so packed until this year. Maybe my luck is changing. Maybe my career is going some where and going up. *Cross my fingers*

However, current company wants me to do PM for kids drama. Haiz! Another kids drama. Abit sian ler. Wana be Director soon ler.

Birthday in 8 more days.

PMS

Have been on rather moody these few days, don't know why. Just don't feel like smiling, talking, eating, sleeping, don't feel like doing anything. Only can work and wushu training. Maybe it's because I am aging and growing old, so there is abit of sadness in me. A lonely, aging woman also called 老姑婆. It's not like I don't have boyfriend I will die, but who don't want love from boyfriend? Which guy / gal don't wish to be pamper and loved by their partner?

10 more days to my birthday. Will he remembers? Will anyone remember? Can't wait to leave for Bintan on the 8th, wana leave this sad place for awhile to re-charge, re-fresh. To be the happy and cheerful Cherlyn when I first step into Dream Forest. Cos if not, sooner or later, all my colleagues will start to dislike me. Heard these song while writing my blog. So sad. So me.

我懷念的
演唱: 孫燕姿 作詞：姚若龍　作曲：李偲菘　編曲：Martin Tang

我問為什麼　那女孩傳簡訊給我　而你為什麼　不解釋　低著頭沉默
我該相信你很愛我　不願意敷衍我　還是明白你已不想挽回什麼

想問為什麼　我不再是你的快樂　可是為什麼　卻苦笑說我都懂了
自尊常常將人拖著　把愛都走曲折　假裝了解是怕　真相太赤裸裸
狼狽比失去難受

我懷念的是無話不說　我懷念的是一起做夢
我懷念的是爭吵以後　還是想要愛你的衝動
我記得那年生日　也記得那一首歌
記得那片星空　最緊的右手　最暖的胸口
(誰記得)　誰忘了

我懷念的是無言感動　我懷念的是絕對熾熱
我懷念的是你很激動　求我原諒抱得我都痛
我記得你在背後　我記得我顫抖著
記得感覺洶湧　最美的煙火　最長的相擁

誰愛的太自由　誰過頭太遠了　誰要走我的心　誰忘了那就是承諾
誰自顧自地走　誰忘了看著我　誰讓愛變沉重　誰忘了要給你溫柔

(我懷念的)　我還有想要愛你的衝動
我記得那年生日　也記得那一首歌
記得那片星空　最緊的右手　最暖的胸口
我放手　我讓座　假灑脫　誰懂我多麼不捨得
太愛了　所以我　沒有哭　沒有說

我和我追逐的夢 演唱: 劉德華 作詞 : 周治平

飄流已久 在每個港口能稍作停留
喜樂和哀愁今生不能由我　任風帶我停停走走　
孤獨依舊　多希望你能靠在我的胸口
卻不願痴心得到你的溫柔　人群之中裝在冷漠 　
淚不敢流 讓命運牽引著我南北西東
看世間悲歡離合難分難捨　而誰在為我守候
我和我追逐的夢擦肩而過　永遠也不能重逢
我和我追逐的夢一再錯過　只留下我獨自寂寞　卻不敢回頭

一生最爱的人 演唱：伍佰

你 用你独特的温柔 狠狠的刺痛了我
证明你已不爱我 你的干脆 你那有心的依偎
普通朋友的相对 以为我都没感觉

答应我 如果要离开我 请一定跟我说
我会祝福 让你走 如果没把握
不要说你爱我 这样是欺骗我 我的心儿好难受

我 没有误会你什么 因为看到你背后
藏着满满的冷漠 你的眼泪 流得那么的虚伪
像电影里的情节 其实你都没所谓

如果说 你还是爱着我
让我俩再从头 我会好好的把握
因为你是我 一生最爱的人
我真的舍不得 看着你 让你走

不要说爱我 不要说爱我
不要说你爱我 不要说

因为你是我 一生最爱的人

Watever

Elder brother is involve in putting together this year NDP, one of his sponsors gave him a MP4 which he doesn't want. So I sort of got my 1st birthday present early this year, an Suntech MP4. Have download songs in it, still trying to learn how to use it though. My very 1st MP4! Wow!

The bintan trip is finally booked, setting off on 8th at 8pm, coming back to Singapore on 10th.

Have decided not to sue him cos of some personal reasons and that he beg me. I lost alot of money and time. Now am just waiting for pay day cos I got no money to eat liao. Fuck!

16 more days

As I countdown to my birthday, I can't help but feel rather sad and lost. A year without boyfriend to celebrate for me and pamper me. Don't even know if will anyone remember the day. Although have make plans to sort of celebrate, my wish is so simple, A guy to love and pamper me. Is it so difficult? Be meeting "Sis" for dinner on my birthday itself, thus be skipping wushu training. Then going Bintan, leaving on the 8th, coming back on the 10th. Going with Samuel, Theresa and her 2 other friends. Be doing alot of water sports and suntan-ing. Can't wait. Need to get away from Singapore for awhile to unwind, hoping that I will come back refresh and charged again.

What's my wish for this year birthday or what present I hope to get? Saving up money to fullfilled these wishes and presents.

1. A boyfriend to love and pamper me, someone whom I can marry.
2. Laptop so I can work properly at home, don't wana "fight" for PC at home
3. Thumbdrive
4. New digital camera
5. New mobile phone that I have been aiming for very long (since last year). Nokia 7373 with blue tooth in powder pink
6. Hi Fi set in my room
7. Go for a month holiday to Hong Kong, Taiwan, Korea, Japan
8. Proper training outfit (gym bag, sweat pants, top)
9. Proper sports shoe to wear for filming and training (no shoe laces please)
10. LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE

Settled

I have finally settled my personal issues. I am physically, emotionally, mentally tired out. After 2 weeks, the issue is settled. Beside suffering from afew "blue-black", my heart and brain is torn apart. I don't wish to bother those around me about it, that's why I have been rather quiet and "black" face for the past 2 weeks. Am sorry to those friends and those around me who has seen this mood in me. Nothing much... I just wish to end everything, end my life... but I know I will upset those around me. I am hanging on there. Not sure how long more I can hang on. Bless me my friends.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VRKN7fuUONM

The song for my current mood.

Busy week

This week has been rather packed and fullfilled for me.
Mon: Getting ready for pilot studio filming
Tue: Reach office at 930am, bring props over to MCS studio. Rush filming like mad cos too many scenes. By the time I reach home it's almost 130am.
Wed: Reach office at 1pm, had scripts meeting for Canter's episodes from 130-930pm. Then went to have dinner with Bee, reach home around 11pm
Thur: Reach office at 1030am, rush through the production report and settle some stuffs from the pilot shoot (still have unfinished stuffs to do). Then amend one of the episode script. Scripts meeting for Glenn's episodes from 330-6pm. Ended early cos today then we continue the other 2 episodes. Too sian to go for my wushu class, so went hime directly. Haiz... missed 2 lessons liao, last week and this week. Yan Bing is going to kill me.
Reach office at 945am this morning, to continue the meeting at 10am. But Glenn is late again... Haiz... Make me wake up at 730am... so sleepy... I slept at 230am, sleepless night again... Guess I really have to depend on the Sleep Disorder Pills from Fancl again... Stop for a week now am back to sleepless...

Filming for studio went quite well... no hipcups and nothing happen except the usual over run. I just hate studio filming, wana do outdoor filming soon...

Party World

Went Jeremy's house for wrap party last night, he cooked dinner and after that we watched the rushes and photos for the short film. Not everyone turn up though, we are shortage of 2 person. The whole team make up of Jeremy, Wan Ping, Kai Li, Yizhuang, Victor, Gillian and me. Kai and Yizhuang never show up. So not really the whole team lor. After dinner and viewing, we went to Party World at Shenton Way for our ktv session.

MW celebrates the birthday there also. So while I am orginial in room 2 with the short film team, I rush over to room 64 for the birthday. The staffs at the reception must be wondering why I am running to and fro from both rooms the 1st half of the night. Went to room 64 1st time to say hello, then the 2nd time to cut cake then the last time to take group photos.

My team were laughing at me for being popular. Ha! I am not lor, just that so nice got party at the big room only lor and just nice that 2 events at the same time and same place. We sang until 330am, reach home at 4am.

Anyway, thanks to Jeremy for treating us to such great french dinner and ktv session. Thanks to everyone for doing such a great job during the short film.

Life goes on as normal

Had a rather boring weekdays in office with nothing much to do. Last night, went to buy some FANCL products for my parents and myself. Then had dinner with Sam in a restauramt that we will never go again. Bad services and bad food.

Later I be going for the short film wrap party, hoping that I will enjoy myself.

Next week will be the last week to pre-prod for the sitcom, pilot filming.
Mon: Imaging from 1-6pm
Tue & Wed: Double check on all props, rundown, sponsors etc
Thur: Imaging from 12-6pm
Fri: Imaging from 9am-12pm, rehearsal from 1pm onwards
Sat-Mon: Double double check and confirmation
Tue: Filming in studio 4

After that, got nothing to do again. Have lar actually, editing and meeting for my rest of the episodes.

True love are hard to get and find, treasure your partner. Waiting for someone whom I can say "I love you" to everyday. Someone whom I can hug.

The sms

Had a rather busy past few days. Mon went to MediaCorp at 11am, view footages with Director then imaging from 330pm-930pm. After that went to eat dinner with Sharon, Ellery and Sam.

Spent my Labour Day doing nothing, ended the day badly cos of my dad again. Haiz... He always has to spoilt my day.

Last night went to watch a play that Hansol is involve in, under Short & Sweet Singapore, his play is call "Jump". Never saw him perform before, not bad. Actually he look charming on stage. Hahaha...

"He" sms me last night again. I am still on the verge of recovering, why does he has to remind me of him? I just have to avoid seeing him and hearing from him for the time being, I guess I will be fine. I guess I can recover soon. I hope so. I think I need help in relationship. I think no one loves me. I think guys only see me as their "brother" or just someone to talk to.

Be going for my wushu training today as per schedule. Tomorrow 2nd round of auditions. Sat, "Singapore Gal Story" wrap party. Got 2 KTV sessions. Guess I be at the wrap party instead of MW birthday.

11 more days to filming.

Just stopping by

Can't sleep... Work tomorrow but not consider a busy day... as per normal... Selecting some footages for sitcom at 11am, then 3 imaging starting from 330pm onwards. At night, meeting Hansol so that he can pass me the tickets to his play on Wed. We are still short of 1 main supporting cast to form the whole family... Oh well... As per normal, network rejected ALL those that we auditions, so my poor casting director has to re-find again.

Diva gave me a bag when she went shopping last Thur. The bag is nice, very big that I can put alot of things inside.

I went for hair rebonding again and cut my hair shorter. Bought the shampoo, condition and treatment. Haiz... $340 gone within 6 hours. Too bad that I have super curly hair, so no choice that every 6 months I got to spent this amount of money to maintain my hair neatness.

Treated my family to lunch this Morning, went to the Hong Kong Cafe at Kovan. Order alot, total bill is $51 ++. Then went Body Shop to buy a perfume which I used up mine 1 year ago... Hahaha...

Yawn... Time to go to sleep... *Wish upon the stars that my Mr Right will appear soon*

What's wrong with me?

Feel like crying suddently. Why do I have such feelings? Maybe I have been listening to all those sad songs the whole day in office and got almost nothing to do. Too much free time to let my thoughts wander. Listening to LOVE'S INSTRUMENTAL COLLECTION HITS the whole day make me either feel like going ktv or cry.

Long to have the special someone to pamper me, loves me, cares for me, be there for me when I happy or sad.

Project is abit screw up for the time being, rehearsal date is so unfix... casts constraints as per normal... I am not complaining about work, nothing to complain about... Almost everything is going smoothly with small hipcups here and there.

如果有一天
云也飘了
花也榭了
但愿你我相约在天涯海角

我爱的他在哪？

Nice weekend

Had a great and rather wonderful weekend. After work on Friday, I went over to East Coast for the birthday chalet. At first I was rather anti-social, cos I really don't know the rest well. Then slowly the ice break a little. Everything was great but SOMEONE has to spoilt the mood by doing something stupid and selfish. THE PERSON is so childish and stupid that I am not going to talk to THE PERSON again.

At least I was anti-social at first but I don't spoilt everyone's mood. It's a birthday chalet, so everyone is there to have fun, that's all.

One thing I feel sad during the chalet is that everyone are couple there and I am the god damn single person there. Haiz...

What's new?

Nothing much to write about. Friday the 13th was rather unlucky day for me. Morning when walking to office, my heel strap broke, then i walked the remaining way to office barefooted. Sam was nice enough to go buy super glue and glue the strap back but in the end I still got to buy a pair of new shoe cos the strap is causing my feet to hurt.

The moment I got into office, I was rather pissed by someone. Oh well... the person isn't the worse I have encounter so far.

Then after work, went PS to but new shoe and had dinner with Sam. Afterwhich we went to drink. Had terrible cocktails but good Shisha. Then we went to join Ellery and Sharon for chat, until 430am then reach home.

Sat afternoon, woke up and had lunch with Hansol at a Japanese restaurant at East Coast. He is so nice, insisting in paying for the meal cos I intro him to the trailer shoot. I mean, he is not the only one I intro. Just nice I know there's audition so I just "throw" in afew names lor.

Today I woke up late, skip lunch and still have not eaten any food up till now. Not hungry and don't feel like eating. No mood to eat.

That's all for the updates. Nothing new happen in my life.

Trying to recover

Been uploading afew songs into my friendster, the songs say out my feelings. Sharon, thanks for sharing the songs with me. I like the last song the most as it best say out my inner feelings, Jolin Cai-你还爱我吗. A question that I really want to ask him but don't have the courage to.

Wondering what is he doing now. How is his flu. Does he still have sleeping problem every night? Is his business doing great. How is the meeting when he goes to his company in KL.

What I really want to ask is "Have you ever love me? Are you thinking of me?"
Questions that I know he will not answers.

When will I ever recover from this illness this time?

Thanks!

Been very upset and cried alot for the past few days. Am very gladful that I have a group of friends who stand by me and consoles me.

1. Thanks Sam for listening to my nonsense being there
2. Thanks Sharon for making a point to meet me yesterday and staying with me. Thanks for your hugs and shoulder when I out burst to you, crying like a mad woman the moment I saw you.
3. Thanks Ellery, although you never say much but just making yourself free out of your busy schedules.
4. Thanks Hansol for calling me the moment you read my last blog entry.

Thanks to all my friends who believes in me and willingly to let me vent my sadness to him. I will try to get over and overcome this down period. I will concentrate on my career and 武术.

I am still being hopeful in relationship and wants to fall in love soon. So do keep a look out for good man for me okay. :)

It's over

The short few weeks relationship is over. We are just not right for each other. He don't feel comfortabe having anyone and don't want to commit into any relationship right now. I don't hate him or blame him but I really feel hurt and sad that a relationship has to end. Though I still love him, I know that love can't be force. He prefer to remain as friends.

I am very sad. My heart has died once again. Why am I living on this earth for? No one loves me. My requirement isn't very difficult. Just someone to pamper and loves me. Am I asking for too much? After being through the past relationships, I have begin to take things easy and not be demanding. Is this a punishment for me? God! Are you trying to test me or just want to let me live the rest of my life alone? I really hate myself!

CHERLYN TAN I HATE YOU!

Training

Went for my 武术 training last night, did alot and really re-fresh my 武功底. Leg is aching even until now but have to bear with it cos tomorrow got another round of training. Now my training will be every Tuesday and Thursday, 7-930pm. As long as I am done re-freshing, then I will be personally trained under 彦炳 to learn stunt moves for 拍戏. I have to focus, concentrate and buck up cos i wana to do stunts again soon.

Sharon tells me not to do stunts again but stunts is inside my blood and I love the feelings. Guess nothing and nobody can make me change my mind for the time being.

Later going Bugis to see 彦炳 and his guys do a set up for an event performance tomorrow night. Too bad I can't watch the event tomorrow cos I got training. Training more important cos I wana learn fast and quick. Afterwhich, will be meeting with "Sis" for dinner. Long time never see her liao, lots of stuffs to check up on.

Can't wait to off work.

Dear... Love you and miss you

Spent too much

Oh no! I spent too much money last night and since I got my pay. Got to cut down on my spending liao. Went Fancl twice, first time spent $40++, last night spent $140++. Oh no! Must not go Fancl and must not any how spend money liao.

Going for my 武术 training later after work, training under 彦炳 and Ms Diva going to join me also. I very long time never 松骨, hoping that I can still catch up.

After training, might have feature meeting. Not confirm yet, waiting for Director to call me.

Ellery confirm with him about his feature filming in Aug, doing conti since I am still working when they need the 1st AD to start in June for pre-prod. Oh well... too bad... He says that doing conti also rather stressful and tiring. I never really fully do conti before, I mean previously as AD, conti is part of the responsible and job. At least, my resume got another new position -- Conti Person for Feature Film.

Dear dear.... I miss you... Love you...

Taking things easy

Miss seeing him... hugging him... just being with him... He is so busy with his business and friends... Is he serious about this relationship? I don't wana force him or think so much about it already... just let nature take it's course. If this relationship is meant to last, it will. For me, I will just wait for him in patience.

The project got delay, as per normal. Just becourse network wana use their dream male lead who isn't free for the actually filming schedules. Can't they just be more flexible? Their mind just work in a square. Irrating! Then my the other project in June got problem liao. Call the boss and told her about my side problem. Worse come to worse, I might not be able to do the other company June project -- a drama. Haiz. I love working in that company and boss.

Saw Yan Bing on Thur, decides and agree to go to his wu shu guan for training again. He is looking for female stunt and I like stunts, so there goes...

Last night, went ktv with Sam. KGarden at Serangoon Garden sucks UNLESS you likes to sing English songs, they have more orginial mtv for English songs. The song systems sucks, room too small BUT the aircon isn't centralise (good for people like me who can't stand the cold).

Hansol got a role in a play. Congrats to him!

I have been using the Fancl - washing powder, lotion and miky lotion since Friday night. So surprising that I actually spend the time and bother to do all these. Hahahaha.... Well, if my face turns up with improvment, then maybe I will start to invest in Fancl's products. Another one of Sharon the diva recommendations that I will spend money in again. Hahahaha....

Dear, I really miss you alot.

Unwell

Have been sick since last week, first I "lao sai", then I vomit, follow by sore throat, flu, aching body, gastric. Maybe I don't have enough rest, that's why body and health drop.

Have not meet dear for afew days already, wonder how is he now. Have a mutal understanding that I will give him time and patience for him to get into the relationship. So will not force him to meet him or do anything for me. Wonder what type of relationship I am having.

Wana learn diving. Under water world is so nice and peaceful.

Filming got delay, as usual for any productions.

Seems like all 3 Directors for the sitcom are rather nice and friendly.

To those who read my blog

Went drinking with Theresa and Sam after work last night, had a great night chilling out with them at Que Pasa. Left the place at 10pm plus, went to Liquid Kitchen at Serangoon Garden with Sam. On the cab, I called Sis to join me, but she isn't free. Then she told me that "he" has been reading on my blog and asking her questions about me. That got me abit piss off. Reading my blog is okay, since the first day I decided to write on blog, I know that some how or rather, people that I like / dislike and people that I know / unknow will read. But the main issue is that since you read and have question on your mind, can go ahead and ask me instead of bothering my Sis. Whatever happen to me in my life, has nothing to do with her. She has her own problems and troubles and daily stuffs, she isn't answeable to my life.

If you are concern about me as a friend, then you can directly ask me. You know who you are, cos I did sms you (out of the blue) last night. Also, should you (anyone out there) who leaves comments in blog, please don't sign off with the name "passerby". If you can leave comments, you might as well leave your name too. You know who you are. I will not hunt you or kill you if you leave your name, which I don't even have the time and bother to.

Well... I just wana voice out my feelings which I have been in my heart and mind since last night. No offends to anyone.

Saturaday outing

Was suppose to go Sentosa, Victor's house yesterday. But the whole plan got cancel and when I called Victor, he sound rather angry with me. I don't mean to cancel it but out of 6 people, 2 can't join at all, 2 going for a free screening until don't know what time and then 1 got filming until 3am. I mean, what's the point right? Oh well, there's nothing I can do. I can only say sorry cos I called and tell him the plan cancel.

Then Hansol called at almost 9pm, we arrange to meet to go for a drink. We went drinking at Serangoon Garden, Liquid Kitchen. I had a bottle of beer and 2 cocktails. Chat till 2am then go home. It's rather fun and nice chatting with him. He is a guy with dreams and goals. Come all the way from Korea and be in Singapore alone, in order to learn Mandarin and acting. Really wish him the best.

Sunday afternoon now, what do I do today? How am I going to spend my time? Any friends want to go out with me?

New Begining

Date: 13th Marth 2007
Time:L 2330hrs
Venue: Dbl O

The above marks a new begining in my love relationship. We are going together as a couple. Although we have our differences, we are giving each other a try and hoping to make our relationship works. Me 28, he 36. Both of us agree that we are not getting young anymore, so we have to make it work.

He sent me home in taxi cos he sent his car for repair yesterday. He was rather upset that it had to rain when he sent his car to repair but... I manage to make him smile again. Heehee...

Hoping for the best.

Dear

My dear, who isn't my boyfriend, is coming for an audition today. Although I know that most likely he will not be picked as the main lead, however, I still hope that he can appear in at least 1 of the episodes.

He has the face of Ch8 but can't speak Mandarin that well, has been acting for afew years already. Just hope that he can get a 2nd chance after that time auditioning for Heartlanders.

Miss you

Went to watch "Men Tu" finally with Sam, it's a great show. At least after watching it, I never walk out of the cinema unhappy. Andy Lau's acting is wonderful, the new actress is great and Daniel's acting has improve alot. After watching, went straight home. Actually, before watching, had dinner with Sam and we gossipes and talk alot of rubbish. A great guy whom I am believe can make it in this industry.

Another boring Sat, staying at home with nothing to do. Have a shoot today but last minute got cancel. Friends not free to go out. Boring. Miss going out with those friends whom we used to be so close yet so far now. Simon, Donovan, Bryan, Angeline, Sharon, Xing Ang, Stephen ...

As what I always believe, friends wiill start to spend less time with you when they find their love ones or start their careers. Oh well ...

Waiting for filming to start

Finally the other 1st AD for DF project is back in office from his 1st project. Quite a nice guy, can take jokes and can communicate, only 23, in the industry for a year.

Nothing much to do for project for now, only for some researches. So help in auditions lor. Locations Researcher will officially report work next Mon, a lady whom I never work before. Glenn will be the Director, he knows me, through Ellery. Was taken aback when he said he knows me and saw me before. Hahahaha....

Victor always says that "Cherlyn, who don't know her". Please lar! Kanasai! I am just a unknown AD who is still trying to make it as a Director lor. People will still ask "who is Cherlyn ah?"

Haiz....

Hansol Seo will be in Singapore on 17th, be meeting him on 18th maybe. He be staying in East Coast area.

Injury

Last week was one of my busy periods, weekdays was working and auditioning in office then weekend filming. After last audition on Friday around 7pm, had dinner and then meeting for Sun filming. By the time I reach home it's around 2am, sleep afew hours only course had a filming on Sat which the call time was 9am at Clementi. Clementi is so far lor.

Filming was fun and it's the last day also, although Victor had flu but he still hang on all the way. Once again, thanks to all the for making the short film together and agreeing to help up when I call.

Had dinner then went home course Sun got overnight filming. Was up at 10am course need to go check equipments and buy props and stuffs for the filming. The filming was fun too! The team is small but everyone helps up and filming ends smoothly. The filming ended earlier than plan, we warp at 430am (1 hour earlier, we plan at 6am). Packed and tidy up the place, reach home at almost 6am.

Actually wanted to go to work which I have to reach at 1030am but I just can't make it. I got sudden sore throat and whole body aching. So call and report sick lor. Anyway, my leg got problem again, so can't walk properly also. Slept until 530pm. Finally check my leg, they are full of fresh injuries marks.

I think I have to stop helping in short film for a while course, it's all spending money but no income coming in. I need to get my Feb pay from DF this week. If not I die ah.

New Surprises

Am so sleepy now, my eyes can hardly open. Have a string of auditions until 7pm , which started at 11am this morning. Having a short break now while waiting the the next one to come.

PM just told me that I am confirm in for District 9, their another drama after current project.

Had meeting last night about this Sunday filming (which is last minute being told to shoot yesterday afternoon), another short film. Discussion till 2am then reach home, make a lists of what I have to do until 5am then sleep. Woke at 730am so that I can reach office at 9am to settle the 2 short films stuffs before auditions starts. But... the office only opens till 935am! Lucky, I never waste my time. Did some calling and settle afew things.

Sunday shoot should be all settled, sponsors all done. *Cross fingers damn hard*

I really hope that 2007 will be a great year for me in career, course I don't have much hope in love already. Loss faith already.

Old work place

Yesterday, went to MCS library with Avril to do research for current project. The route walking towards MCS seems so familiar and bring back memory, horrible memories actually. The "taking a very deep breathe" before walking in and avoiding bombs everywhere. Sian. Consider I have to shoot inside the studio when project starts, seeing those familiar faces.

As we were walking towards library, met Daniel (AD).

In library, met Emida and one of her staff doing research also. So fun! We did abit of research then went lunch in canteen together.

Emida and her staff went off first after doing abit more research after lunch. Avril and I did until 6pm, as it's still raining, we went to the canteen to grap hot drinks while waiting for rain to stop. Met Zhen Si Mei, we chat for awhile and she still remembers me. So happy! Cos she is one of the artistes I like in MCS.

Waited for a cab for about an hour, with the super long q of people waiting.

It's been raining since yesterday, such a nice weather to sleep in.

Ellery just sms me asking me to help up in a shoot for the weekends, need to find out more details. Don't really want to crash with Jeremy's shoot, see how lar.

My personal thoughts: Busy week

My personal thoughts: Busy week

Busy week

Starts working in DreamForest since 21st, nothing much to do for the time being. Just looking for some sponsors and stuffs that's all. Cos the project has a Casting Director, Location Researcher, Resource Researcher. Piao, PM, is still applying to use MediaCorp props, wardrobe and makeup. So far, everyone is still okay, can communicate. Just that I notice, when they come for work and leave for the day, no one has the habit of saying "Good Morning" and "Good Bye". Oh well ... Maybe it's the culture here.





Being filming on Jeremy's short film on 24th and 25th, last weekend. Everything is okay, runs rather smoothly. When we went Geylang to shoot on 24th, met afew strange men who sort of disturb our thoughts. It's rather normal for me but I think the xiao meis will find it funny. 25th was so funny, after filming at Toa Payoh everyone came to my house. After the casts have changed, everyone stay in my room (with my aircon running ... so cooling) and style the casts' hair. Gillian was lying on the bed, dress pull up so high and legs wide open. Victor wearing suits and hair being spray gold and red. We manage to did everything within 30mins, afterwhich we rush to Orchard to shoot. I like the chaos and everyone working and puting thing together, laughing and joking while working. The Couple for the shoot.

It's the last day of shoot on 3rd, I guess I will miss everyone again.

Back on busy track

Yo! Am glad that I am back on my busy track. Finally! Started work at Dream Forest already. Then this Sat and Sun have filming, afterwhich it's back to office to work on following weekday, then next Sat has filming also.

Ha! Will be working till next Sun then off. Jeremy call and tell me that then 8mm camera is spoilt. Cost $300 plus to repair which he rather buy a new one which is the same amount also. Goodness, have not start filming yet and the 1st hipcup happen.

Don't think can attend Jennifer's ROM on 27th liao. Got to inform her tomorrow. Got to ask Dan to sponsor light meter, reflector and polyform for the shoots. Got to pass transport money to Kai tomorrow.

Meeting with researcher tomorrow morning.

Yahoo! Let me work until I don't have to think about the depressing issues.

New project tomorrow

CNY Day 2

Morning my 3rd uncle and family came to my house, suddently pop up, at around 10am. Then they stay until 12pm and left. Went over to granny's house and stay till 1pm. Went over to a relative's house (whom have not visit for years) at Upper Thomas. Stay for afew hours then my 3rd uncle and Gu Gu whole family came to my house. Played poker and majong. Won $10 over. Sis came over for a short while then leave to go to her friend's house. They played majong until 4am plus but I slept at 2am.

CNY Day 3

Woke at 10pm to go to pray my great grandma. Then went to makan. Afterwhich, we went Bugis which I meet Sis there. Actually we are intending to catch a movie but alot of people and don't have the time we want to watch. Can't watch late also cos Sis has to go to her relative's house at 630pm. Too bad. So we hang around at Mr Bean at Prinscep Street. Arrange to catch the movie tomorrow night, after her interview and my work.

Finally tomorrow I will start work at Dream Forest at 1030am. Yeah! Yes! Have been rotting at home like century. Not enough sleep for the past few days. Wonder if I will go sleepless again tonight again or not. Yawn!

Broken promise

It's CNY day 1.

Dad orders buffet which my ex-neighbours from Selegie Road are suppose to turn up. However, only my auntie's family turn. Non of the ex-neighbours turn up, which they promise to. Some people just don't keep to their promises. Unbelievable! I thought in such competive society, should people can't turn up or rather don't want to turn up. They should call right. At least the buffet will not go to waste. Still can cancel. Now the food are wasted, so much left over.

Got up so early, wear so nice, put on makeup, do so many things ... Haiz ...

Auntie's family leaving soon. Then nothing to do liao. Sms friends, see anyone free to go out. Maybe catch a movie or something.

So bored!

Good Night or Good Morning?

Had a rather fullfilling day, by right it's yesterday course it's after 12 midnight.

My schedule on 16th Feb:-

11am: Appointment with a childhood friend for breakfast around my house area

2pm: Appointment with Piao from DreamForest to collect Ep1 script and synopsis. Then Jenny asks for my availability after the sitcom which I told her I should be free. Then she "book" for a English drama and a Manadarin telemovie. That's great! At least I know that I don't have to worry about this year projects and income.

3pm: Meet Dick at Paragon to collect my camera back. He don't know how to upload photos up, so as helpful Cherlyn, I agree to help him create a website for his photos.

430pm: Meet Jeremy and Wan Ping at Changi Airport, Burget Terminial, Hans, to discuss shots lists.

730pm: Kai Li, Victor and Yizhuang arrive to discuss props and brief about changes in script.

The last meeting ends at 10pm, so by the time I reach home it's 1130pm plus. Help Dick create his website and load photos up which took me around 1 hour plus. Then did the amendment callsheet and type out the shots lists. Afterwhich, went out for supper. Came back around 5am. Email the paper works I did. Now writing on blog before I sleep. My eyes are very tired. YES! I finally can fall asleep. Had sleepness night for the past 1 week. I think for me to fall asleep, I must get really very tired.

Yawn... Night night...

Thanks!

Another Valentine's Day has passed. Staying at home the whole of yesterday was killing for me. Surfing internet, chatting with friends on MSN and watching TV programmes. Afew friends sent me sms and call me to wish me Valentine's Day, touched my heart. Thank you my friends!

Roller credits:

Jeremy - Thanks for your sms
Donovan - Thanks for remembering me through your sms
AkBar - Thanks for sms, MSN chat and call to invite me out with your friends
Simon - Thanks for remembering to call me to wish me on your way home
Hansol - Thanks for calling me all the way from Korea
Victor - Thanks for entertaining me on MSN even when you are so busy
Sharon - Thanks for checking on me, asking me how am I. You are such a diva darling
Eric - Thanks for entertaining me on MSN also when you are so busy with works and had such late dinner

And so the credits ends here

I really hope that I don't have to spend another Valentine's Day alone again. In case any of you, my dear friends, don't know how to leave me a note. Just go to comments and clink on it, then it will open a new window, then you can leave me comments liao.

Valentine's Day

Happy Valentine's Day! It's Vday today and I got no date.

14th Feb 2006, I was working during the daytime then at night went on date with my then boyfriend.

14th Feb 2007, I am at home, writing in my blog. Lonely, miserable, sad and heart is bleeding.

Almost everyone I know are all having a great partner and are in a great relationships. Happy for them but ...

I really don't know how to go through these lonely days. Don't know how many more lonely days I have to go through.

I am just a ugly, short, tan, no figure, simple woman hoping to find someone I can depend on. Someone I can love. Someone who can pamper me. Someone I can spend the rest of my life with. Someone whom I can say "I Love You" to. Someone who can make my heart skips. Someone who can make me blush.

Waiting ... The waiting game is killing me ... How long more do I have to wait?

Boring Saturday

Yesterday, met up with Angeline at 5pm to go Bugis Village. Then went to eat dinner at Mos Burger at Bugis Junction. Chat for awhile, then she has to leave to meet her other friends at 9pm.

Prince happen to be in office working, so met up with him after Angeline left. Oh my god! It's a mistake, I shouldn't have meet him. He brings me to his office, which I felt super uncomfortable. There are like 5 Africans in the office lor, including him. Just sit in his office for about 5mins, he brings me to the coffee shop nearby. Chat for about 30mins then I finally escape.

It's not that I hate him or what, but it's just that we can't seems to communicate. The only language, English, seems so difficult for him. Talking to him, I have to use basic English and it's like I am back teaching in my pre-school classes.

It's Sunday and I am stuck at home. Sian ah! So boring!

Plans for CNY?

It's CNY next week already, how time flies. I have been living in this earth for 28 years already and I am still single, still searching for my Mr Right to sweep me from the floor. Waiting for him to take me away from singlehood. Waiting...

Will be so bored during CNY. Mum not cooking for this year CNY eve, for the first time. Might be ordering delivery or going out to eat. CNY 1st day, we will have cathering at home. Invited ex-neighbours from Selegie Road to our house for gathering. CNY 2nd day, should be going to grandma's house. Same old thing. So friends who read this blog, should there be any plans to go out, don't forget me hor. Oh ya! Should any of you don't have any plans on CNY 1st day, you are invited to my house also.

Just heard from Hansol that he most likely will be in Spore on 7th March.

Starting from tonight, every Thursday, 830pm on channel 8, do catch "Qin Ben Jia Ren". One of my favourite kid, Coeway, very 1st Mandarin sitcom.

Starting projects soon

Finally! I got a call asking me to start work on 21st Feb. At last! I don't have to stay at home, doing nothing. I be doing sitcom and maybe a drama. The production company is booking me till Aug for their projects. In case you all are wondering which company I am going to cos I have been to quite afew interviews, I will be working for DreamForest, the English department. The PM for the 2 projects seems like a rather nice lady whom I can talk and work with. Well, can only hope for the best.

Let's hope that I will busy until I don't have to think about other things and issues. I want to stop and cure my depressions. Feb is also a month that my Korean friend, Hansol will be coming to Singapore.

I also hope to introduce Victor and Donovan into DreamForest, let them act in 1 of their projects.

Can't wait to start work.

Meeting up

Yesterday was a day to meet up with friends that I have not seen for a very long time.

Met up with Jennifer at Jurong Point at 230pm which I was late, reach only at 3pm. Known her when I was working in Goldheart which she helped me alot and was my closest friend then. Glad to know that she is getting ROM on 27th Feb. She invited me, hopefully that I am free to turn up.

Piao from DreamForest told me that they will be getting me in as their 1st AD for their sitcome and drama. Will be starting work after CNY, so scare it might crashed with Jennifer's ROM, whuch will be on Tue at 1130am. The ROM is held at The Chervons at Jurong East, so it a very long distance from DreamForest at Prinscep Street.

After meeting Jennifer, parted with her at 6pm. Afterwhich I travel down to Shaw Lido, to meet Garry at 745pm. This time round, I am not late. He turns up late, reach only at 815pm. The last time I met Garry was in 1996. Wow! Super long time ago! We went to have our dinner at Crystal Jade (he treats) then went to watch movie, ".45"

".45" is such a stupid movie, not my style. No story plots and the whole dialogues are full of the words "fuck", "cock" etc. Movie ended at 1130pm, which I went straight home. Need to save money, so have to catch 105 bus.

Can't wait to start work at DreamForest. Wondering who will be my Director, 2nd AD and intern.

CNY

CNY is approaching and I hate it. I hate festive seasons. I hate it when I have to spend it without any boyfriend.

Photo taken on the last day of Kai Li's FYP. Let's see if I still remember their name. From left to right (1st row): Kai Li, Renyin, Qinyi, Yizhuang. (2nd row): ???, Fish, Me, Leslie (Ngee Ann), Alan (Ngee Ann).

Needs............

Been to quite afew interviews lately, so far no reply yet, except for one company. Ask me to be their location researcher, although the rate isn't bad but still I not really okay as researcher yet. It's not my comfortable zone as to speak. So I reject the offer but hopefully the company will keep me in mind should they need AD lor. Hoping to do AD for the feature film I went interview for. The interview I went this morning for the sitcome and drama isn't bad too. At least the company people know of lor.

Filmat36 been calling me asking me when can I start work... have been delaying and delaying... cos I wana try and do other company. *cross my fingers* hope 1 of the company call me 1st lor.

I really wana start work soon, so I will not think of other issues and stop my depressions fast. I need to have income coming in also. Have not given parents this month allowance and CNY money yet. Have to find money to pay for CNY buffet. Have to pay X.A money. Have to pay handphone bill. Shit!

I need motivation! I need love! I need someone to pamper me! I need friends! I need money! I need to find myself back! I need to stop hating myself!

Life

Have been bored with nothing to do at home since Kai Li FYP ended. Beside going for jobs interviews, film meetings, Jeremy's meetings my life is very boring and dying. Met up with Zavier and went to watch him play hockey which isn't the official plan but well... long story.

Last night, dad went crazy again. Came home drunk and start yelling at everyone. Really sick of this home, this family.

I find my life dying. I see no motivation in everything I do. I have no friends, no boyfriend to love me, no career to speak of, no money, no goal... NIL! NOTHING! ZERO!

I have to put on a smiling face everytime I go out, cos people only like you when you smile often. They say I look happy, but they don't know that my smile is very forceful and not from my heart. My smile is very PR and fake. My laughter and cheerfulness is all fake and force out. I don't know how to keep myself going anymore. I have live on this earth for 28 years and I am still a loser, a nothing...

I am scare. Scare that I will have to live alone by myself when old. Scare that I don't even have the money to buy myself a coffin. Scare that I will die with regrets.

Used to have so many goals and dreams which I don't know that I can fulfill or not.

I HATE MYSELF!

Sian Ah!

I am so bored! Got nothing to do! No one asks me out! Everyone is so busy except me. Where are all my friends?

No projects, no income, no life, no one to love me, no one to ask me out............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

I SHOULD BE BETTER OFF DIED. MY HEART IS DEAD. MY BRAIN IS DEAD. MY BODY IS DEAD. I SEE NO POINT IN LIVING ANYMORE. FORCING MYSELF TO SMILE IS KILLING ME.

NTU FYP Wrap

Its a wrap for Kai Li's FYP on 6th at 9pm. After 2 weeks of filming and long hours, it's done. Can't wait to see the final product.

Will be getting ready for Jeremy SH, filming in end Feb. Other than that, I got nothing to do liao. Boredom again. Got to find new projects fast.

Tiring week

Had a rather tiring but quite fullfilling weeks. 26th Dec'06 onwards, went to help in Kai Li's FYP. She has a great team with great team spirits. Everyone is willing to learn and do things. Kai Li has been having depressions during this filming periods. I don't know what I can do for her, so can only give her my listening ears and share with her what I had experienced through. Really wish that she can break through her walls and learn to take things easy.

That week was also involved in the feature film meeting, everything is going smoothly and great and according to plans. Am really very excited about the feature film.

Received a call from Filmat36 today checking about my schedule this month.Well, have to see the rates they can give me then I decide if I wana do or not.

Jeremy's SH might be postphone to Feb or March cos this month keep raining. Might be good idea also, cos I am rather tired and drain out from doing Kai Li's FYP.

Spent my New Year eve with B, he gave me flowers and a big poor bear. Really touch my heart.

Oh yeah... the photo I took at Donovan's office opening




I really like the dress I worn that day. Hope my friends who read my blog likes it too.

Wishes for the 2007

1. More jobs = more incomes
2. Become more beautiful (heehee)
3. Learn more things about filming
4. Direct my own stuffs
5. Peace and happiness to everyone around me
6. MOST IMPORTANT... FIND MY MR RIGHT

What's going on with my life?

Donovan is sick, has food poisoning. He says maybe it's got to do with his father food. He has sore throat too. Hope he is feeling okay.

Daniel is sick too. He has been working too hard this whole month that he don't have enough sleep and rest. The weather is bad too, maybe he is caught in the rain.

When Ellery's house last Friday, mention in previous blog that I known this new guy call Zavier. Did somthing that more than a friend will do. I feel bad but not that totally bad. Oh my god!

When out with last night with XXXXX. At first meet up just want to play pool and catch a movie. In the end, we went to eat at TCC, then went to play pool, then went to drink. Which in the end..... Oh my god!

This morning, Donovan call me up and asks me if did I went out with XXXXX. He isn't happy about it. He never mention why but he just tell me and make me promise him that I will not go out with him again. Haiz... What is going on to my life? Why has life become so complicated? If you don't want me to go out with others, then shouldn't you spend more time with me? Although I look super independant and capable but I am just a normal woman who needs company and someone to love. Why are you doing this to me? What have I done wrong that deserve this type of life? I am going crazy! I really hate myself! No one seems to understand my inner feelings at all. My heart is dead. It has stop beating for rather long time already. I am actually dead. My heart, my brain, all my nerve systems are dead. No one seems to be able to save me anymore. I don't even know if I want to be save or not. I am very sick of my life. Wish that any accident can happen to me and just let me go. Living is hell to me. All the guys I know seems to be wrong. All my relationships seems to go wrong. Don has a partner. Daniel is separted and blowing hot and cold towards me. Zavier... I don't know. XXXXX has a partner also. God! Why are you doing this to me?! Nothing seems to go right for me at all. Can you stop torturing me and just let me die. Just let me go. Please...

Body aching

Went to Ellery's house for the party he held. People I know like Wan Ping, Rosa, Jeremy, Glenn, Lyn, Jesz, Gillian... were there. Get to know alot of people not from this industries also. Unfortunatly, it rain twice. So we were like carrying everything up and down the BBQ pit and carway twice. I was in my skirt and heels lor, so although I wana carry alot but I have to limit myself.

Never eat much, cos as those who know my pattern, I don't wana eat too much in party whereby I am afraid the others willnot have enough to eat. Moreover, I eat rather ugly and unglam, so don't wana let others see. So to cure my hunger, I keep drinking lor. Keep drinking with a new-found friend, Zavier. A rather cute and fair guy.

Then the security guard and police came, all of us move to Ellery's house. I played computer games until 3am.

Woke up at 8am, Daniel sms me that he is sick so can't meet me today. Rather disappointed and sad but well... his health is more important. After sms-ing, I went back to sleep again and woke at 2pm. Whole body is aching. Actually, my legs and arms ache the most. Don't know why. Seems like I have been to the gym the whole of yesterday like that.

Haiz... Don't know when can meet Daniel again. He is so busy.

Wonderful day

Had such a rush Wednesday and Thursday. Got a call from Don on Wed morning inviting me to his office opening on Thur afternoon. Actually I plan to do some shopping and personal stuffs on Thur afternoon before my dinner appointment at night, So plans changes.

On Wed, I went to did Xmas shopping for then did my nails then did my hair. So by the time I reach home, I was rather tired. Maybe I sit too long when I did my hair or I shopped too much (I hate shopping by the way).

Woke up at 9am on yesterday, sms with Daniel. Then prepare to go to Don's office. Stayed there untill 7pm, afterwhich I went to meet Angeline at 730pm. She was late, as usual. Reach Daniel's restaurant at 830pm. He was so gentle, nice, loving, caring, shy, soft-spoken.... He is just too great! Hahahaha.... Angeline asks me if I am finally going to fall in love again after my last sadness. I am not sure. Really depend on fate.

Have been always sms-ing with Daniel everyday. Lets just leave it to fate.

Got another dinner appointment tonight at 830pm then Angeline's friend, Tommy, asks me out (with Angeline around of course). Meeting Daniel tomorrow. Daniel took the photos for us. He says my dress is rather translucent but Angeline says its okay.